Bits of mY LifE...

I cry and I laugh.

2011-08-27T08:13:00.001-07:00

for how long? :(

hurt hurts.

2011-07-19T05:07:00.001-07:00

back

2011-03-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

okie i am back ..prolly coz of the way I feel.

I have every urge to run out to the top floor and jump down. I don't know how else to take my misery away. the feeling of helpless kills. the feeling of sore-ness kills.

why did i have to born in this family? I can't loathe them any much. I went to the counselling session today. I cried for an hour there. pure tears. And I left.

The problem that you can't anyone over the years but it kills you on the inside. bt we smile on the outside.

I had a fren whom I depended on. maybe too much. he used to somehow take that misery away even for that little while. Bt himself finds me irritating...arrogant. maybe it was just pure pain on the inside that made me sound like that. but i dont wish to be a burden to anyone. why shld make someone else suffer for the way I am.

I don't know how everyone stays here. someone take me away. maybe I shld run away. bt to where. I don't know. why wont some natural disaster or something kill me instead?

when you wake up one day and realise they were all lies.

2010-05-06T02:52:00.000-07:00

the words
the promises
the actions
the acts
the everything

and you find out this late when it no longer matters to you in the present
bt what if the past matters to me?
what do you do?

Is it coz I trusted too much?

It's utterly disappointing. You were my wonderful little thing.
but yeah its the past.
so now
so maybe perceptions change.
so maybe impressions change.
that's all. no harm to you anyways.

today reality sets in

2010-01-24T03:49:00.001-08:00

today i realised how immediately my dsyfunctional fam needs to become functional.

and what i felt all along.
i wldnt want to feel that in an thousand year. ever.

its almost strange how i live in world known to none.
i wish there will be someone someday whom i can trust with everything.

how come life is so unfair. why do i have to have a "Father" like this?
why cant be like a normal kid ever?
where sch, work, parents, and marriage ...are their only concerns?
well i guess i will never get the answer to that...
okay my fren is calling....i need to go back to that mode where everything is all so normal.
i actually hate
Hate doing this.
Today my old fren looked at me and said “I don’t know how anyone can hurt and leave you” …you are so innocent and funny and entertaining.
I just smiled to myself on the inside.
My funny and entertaining is just my cover. It always has been. So that I don’t become sad all the time. In the sad world that I live in. I think this is self damaging . like at some time you don’t know who you are ….or rather suppose to be.

shucks

2010-01-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

darn.
this is bad.
the feeling of wanting to do something so badly to help
bt to know that you wont be welcomed
but to still care for the person and yet not being able to do something abt it

is just sucky.

darn. why did things become like this?
so what do i do?
not visit it.
it doesn slove anything
but it will serve less reminders
anyways i can't do anything abt it
when your heart goes all out to it.

but it shouldnt be.
darn. save me.

Connections

2010-01-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

A week ago we were out and my closest friend ….suddenly became very quiet. I did not think anything was wrong apart from the fact that she could be tired.
But she had seen an ex whom she has spoken to for a year and she was disturbed.
I can perfectly understand why.

As we spoke about it…we realized things are very strange…suddenly out of nowhere this guy shows interest in you….he does everything for you…..after some time you fall for him so hard….and he becomes your life, your best friend, your everything….and he suddenly decides to exit your life…and all connections are lost…..someone who you once used to know …..is a person you don’t know anymore….a person who you used to be physically close….is a person you don’t even acknowledge on the roads.
And all these becomes normal and part of life?! Wow.

Actually till to date I feel very uneasy about the whole thing.
In my life…there was one person with whom I have cut all ties….four years ago…I haven spoken to him till now….and now recently I have lost another person four months ago. So that makes the two of them.
The first one I was not damn close to begin with but he was very nice to me …. Bt I stopped talking to him coz he used a bad word on me….and I tot what he was doing was not right at all…..the second one affected me so badly that I can’t believe he could actually do what he did…but I know or least I believe as a person he is great... I don’t know how many will fall into that category in future…I somehow hope there won’t be anymore. ..coz its strange that your most distanced frens are still your frens whereas that the one you were damn close to becomes someone you don’t even acknowledge.

My friend is feeling better for now….someday when I see what she saw I know I will feel the same feeling of emptiness…the same feeling of how much of hope you place on someone and how the hope can just walk out of the door in seconds.

Don’t get me wrong …the feeling of empty-ness does not come from missing a person love…its more of missing the person. So I am the last person to fall for someone so fast again or even look for love….coz when these kinda things happen to me …I question love …I question the temporary-ness of it .

So I hope you guys are not mad at me…I really can’t look at you all in that light at the moment….as much as you all tell me I would feel better if I accept your love…and have someone there….but I really don’t want to do that….coz knowing me…I cant just look at you and love..i need time to love anyone…months…even years maybe….no matter who you are…coz I need to make sure that I love you like I will never leave you no matter what….. I would never want to go to you and say …I have fallen out of love with you…or to say I don’t think I love you…..I think that is a very cruel thing to say especially after I have lead you guys to it and you guys have put in so much of emotional effort... that’s the way I work. So really at the moment….all I want to do is to ..let go of the pain….look at the other things in life….gain back the believe in love….though I think that will take a long time….the temporary-ness of love and how the emphasis in today’s world is about falling in love and not staying love upsets me quite a bit. =(

Lonely

2009-12-01T15:49:00.001-08:00

I am so lonely.

I have occupied myself so crazily over the months. Almost every other minute with other stuff. So that I wont think about my hurt.

But I dono why do I still go to bed crying everyday and waking up crying every single day.

There are so many people around me but I still feel so lonely.

Lonely in a crowd. That’s almost like an oxy-moron.
Now that my family have gone to india.
Even the crowd at home is gone.
It feels even worse now.
Coz now I don’t have hide my tears.
I can just cry all the time without anyone asking me why.
That’s exactly what I have been doing.
The insides of me feel damn empty and sore.

Why am I such a loser?

Clown.

2009-12-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

On another note.
A lot of friends and groups ..i have gotten close to as a result of my lonely-ness have told me that I am so easy to get close to and I make them feel real comfortable when they are new to the group.

A lot of groups have told me that I am such a happy person that I make the groups laugh all the time and I am such a damn fun person to have around in groups.

That just reminds me of a clown. Haha coz they have no idea how I am feeling on the inside.
I guess a clown is like that.

Nobody knows how he is feeling but all they see is the jokes and acts that he does.
But then again I don’t want them to know how I am feeling on the inside.
At least I am making them happy.

Hurt.

2009-12-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

Actually I am tired of dealing with my hurt.
I dono what am I suppose to do anymore.
I dono how it was suppose to be.
One month after the parting..i was suppose to be back to my normal self? How come I can’t ?
Then how do I get rid of the hurt?
How come it never went away?
Am I supposed to have buried it within me? Or forgotten about it?
How come I can’t?
Then I try to think why am I hurt?
I guess it’s the whole thing. Like for the first 12 months he showed endless love….then the next eight months when I realized I loved him more than myself I wanted to salvage the situation but I got HURT a lot. Seriously. And then he killed me totally by disappearing.
Like the times he told me “I am happy that I can finally go starry nite”- like I always prevented him from going…..i still remember the moment when he told me the sentence I was in the train at semei . I dono I never told him not to go although I din wanna go ..he could still have gone.
Maybe it was my fault. Coz I always wanted him to be somebody he wasn’t.
Don’t smoke, dun unbutton your shirt, wear nice clothes, loose weight, don’t use vulgarities was all I told him….i mean I just meant it out of goodwill …I never intended to make him into someone he wasn’t in terms of the things that he wanted to do or be. Well I guess I will never do that to anyone now.
Then there were other kinds of hurt....many sentences that he spoke at many instances that always caused a sharp pain in me during the eight months….but I tot that was love…coz at least I was still happy.
Then he woke up ..one fine day and decided that we should part.
That killed me entirely.
And I am still mourning the death of my heart.
Like a body without a soul I am roaming around.
I guess its no longer about being with him anymore. Coz there is really no point wanting to be with a person who does not love you.
I guess its more of the way he left.
And what was to me as a person ..How highly I regarded him. Coz he really meant something to me as a person.
And how he could just walk away from all that and disappear from my life. Just as how he came into my life.
Like how badly disturbed I was when elan walked away from my life….this is worse off.
How could he do that knowing how disturbed I was in the past for having people walked away from my life?
Maybe when you love a person everything matters and when you don’t ..nothing matters? But what abt the basic form of love even though it’s a romantic one….i always to the was nice as a person …..i din think he was nice to me cause of something….
How can walking away make things ANY easier?
Well not for me…maybe for him
If only memories could be erased or I could get around them someway.

Stop crying my heart.

2009-11-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Stop crying my heart.
Stop crying.
He wanted to part and he parted.
There is nothing you can do about it.
You can cry for days, months but nothing is going to change.
You can feel the unfairness of the whole thing
But whoever said anything was fair?
I know
The hurtful moments and words keep flashing in your mind.
The pain is stinging your whole body
The dent in your heart
But remember there is nothing you can do about it.
Bear and grin.
At least try.
Maybe a lot harder.
Not only in public, in private as well.
Please heart.

Have you ever...

2009-11-17T01:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away
Though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just want to change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you seeThat's the way I feel about you and me
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know'Cos I loved and lost the day I let you go

Can't help but think that this is wrong
We should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I finally realise
It was forever that I foundI'd give it all to change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see
That's the way I feel about you and me, baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be takingI should know (I should know)
'Cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really want to hear you say
That you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away
Can't you seeI know the moment's gone
I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see (Oh)That's the way I feel about you and me, baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be takingI should know (I should know)'Cos I loved and lost the day I letYes I loved and lost the day I letYes I loved and lost the day I let you go

i heard this song over the radio....and i kinda relate to it...well not exactly
coz the hurt lingers and how everything was exited so abruptly and how it was forced to become like it never existed before.
i feel anger, hurt and disappointment more than anything else....so yeah
bt still this song is nice on the ears...

Bitter pain

2009-11-16T00:44:00.001-08:00

In the last two months I have been perpetually unhappy because of you know...
In the last two months I also have realized a lot of things. I did quite no of things that I would have ever done. I mean they are more for the good than the bad. Except the excessive drinking.
One of what I realized is:
I realized.
He wanted me then cause I made him happy (you know all the just looking at you and talking to you makes me so happy etc)
He no longer wanted me cause I made him unhappy (you know that parting MSG that he sent….how he never wanted to talk about things,the times he told me I made him so irritated over the phone…the times when he spoke like I was the past, the times he said I din let him do wat he wanted, that two nites he din even bother to msg me or pick up my numerous calls when I was dying to know if he was alright etc – all which of coz I feel that we never spoke about …I wish we did but yeah that does not matter I guess)
So do I really want him to be blaming for not staying coz anyways even If he stayed he will be unhappy.
The answer is no.
When he wanted to be seen with me he wanted pictures of him and me up (that he asked me often how come I am not putting pictures of us up)
When he din want to be seen with me, he din want pictures of us up at all (that he came with the things like how he din like to be photographed…and that I shld understand and it stressful when I asked him about it….oh common look at the no of pictures and who would believe he does not like to photographed? And how he refused to take pictures with me yet he will take pics with others)
When he was so into you…he will spend all his time with you….accompanying you everywhere even when you would have like him to rest
When he is no longer that into you…you will have to keep asking him to be with you…and suddenly everyone else will be so important than you
So its simple. Really.
It just hurts badly. Really badly that I will never forget those hurtful moments and all the after effect suffering I went through and am going through
I guess it damn unfair coz there are a lot of other things involved except the simple unfair logic (like my feeling, my development towards him, him being my closest fren and confident, me trusting him)
But love is not to be rationalized, someone told me recently….you can’t rationalize love. It is about feeling.
I hate that sentence cause I personally think love Is about responsibility. How can love be about one person’s feeling when there is another party involved? (anything that does not only involve you alone becomes a responsibility …the responsibility to care).
But who cares about that right?
Cause many people abide by that.
Anyways yeah I was not suppose to rationalize
I just have to repeat this to myself
He wanted me cause I made him happy
He no longer wanted me cause I made him unhappy
So do I really want him to be blaming for not staying coz anyways even If he stayed he will be unhappy.
The answer is no.

seriously

2009-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

seriously i think i need to get a life.

its been two months ..yet i am like still depressed.

i dont even know why...if i cld control myself i wld heck it....

coz there is nothing i can do abt it. i cant help my hurt...i cant help the situation. yeah i can feel like hes being damn unfair...but so wat ...nothing changes. i am still hurt

its feeling you know there is no point feeling it..yet you feel it and you still cant do anything about it.

i wonder why people enter into other people's life and leave and make it so difficult.
i hate what he did to me. argh.

i need to get away from all this . i dono how also. damn.
damn

happenings

2009-11-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

This week I am in the office with nothing much to do. A lot of seniors went up to my manager to take me out….but she always told them she has got important things for me. HAHA and all I have been doing these two days is to help her plan the whole team’s dinner on Friday. Which is actually I kinda fun. One day I shall get myself into event management. For now I shall just slack and meet my old frens for lunch since I am at the office. I am starting to like my manager…I mean she is still the mean person but I guess the longer I am with someone I naturally tend to be appreciate for who they are…so I think shes quite perfect now. =) and I never want to leave her.
A lot of people who I ran into at office (those I have not seen for some time) are alarmed at my weight loss. Its almost embarrassing when they grab and ask me what happened to me. Actually I am kinda worried about my own weight loss. I can see my own ribcage. Hiaz but I can’t do anything about ….my appetite was never great by itself so when I am depressed…its so much worse.
A lot of people have been complimenting and flirting …including the French senior who keeps asking me out. Hmm I am kinda surprised. When I was with you know who, he always told me I was pretty but I thought he was saying coz he had to or that’s what guys tell gals they are with. And I always brushed off any other attention I got from anyone else. But now since I am not with anyone I am still very adverse to this kinda attention. … compliments and everything…its suprising, its pleasant but I think they are just lies…people offering me lifts and buying lunch and offering to accompany me to places…how long are you all gonna last? A few months? Someday you will hate me and none of this will be done..then what is even the point? I have to suffer then....like how i am doing right now. Because when you are used to the love and its gets ripped away from you..the pain Is just too terrible. So just stay away people. I am done with you all. You guys prolly think I am the sweet little thing …but I guess I will turn nasty and arrogant sometime so yeah better stay away from me. Plus I can’t bring myself to love another person…no matter how much he has hurt me.
I just wanna be alone. Go home. Watch movies and sleep. In my silent silent world…I can cry…I can whine …I can do anything without pretending to be happy and cheerful. Cause its tiring to do so. Okay I am going home now.

=(

2009-10-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

Why wont the down feeling go away?
Why do I feel like crap all the time?
Argh.
=(

Okay apart from that.

2009-10-29T01:19:00.001-07:00

Okay apart from that.
I have a life, although a sad one coz of the underlying happenings.
These two weeks I lead a job. My first time. With 2 A1s
Well I dono I was kinda nervous at first…but not so bad coz this was just the interims.
And my A1s were from SMU.yaye and the gals were pretty fun to hang out with!
Besides they were both double degree students….so they were pretty smart and efficient
So we finished most of work fast and were slacking around. Going to discovery centre and jurong east for lunches and they drive so it made it easier for us to go around the tuas area.
I just hope I was a good leader and a teacher to them.
Well at least I know I thought them stuff that people din teach me…that I had to figure it out on my own.
And I let them hang out with their boyfriends after work at 5:30. Coz I know its pretty hard to concentrate when you are meeting your boyfriend after work…when you are just so excited and keep checking out the phones and the car driving in sound. I know how it feels like. That excited feeling beats nothing else. So I let them go. =)
I think they learnt quite a bit from me and they seemed pretty happy. Today I gave them a card to tell them their good points and how much I appreciated their help =)
Now that they have left …as in to do other jobs. I think I will miss them coz my manager will take me to her job from next week onwards till next june =( . I hate leaving people. Bleah.
So I prolly wont get to work with them anymore but I guess I will see them around in the office. At least.
Now that I am still on the job for the next two days I will do my best to tidy up everything and gave a perfect or near perfect job to the manager.

You know its one of those days

2009-10-29T01:18:00.001-07:00

You know its one of those days when you go to bed early cause you don’t wanna think about him and you think you can just sleep it off.
But you wake up in the middle of night feeling a sharp pain. Almost like someone stabbing you. And you wake up and see his face in your mind. Damn
There goes my night as I sit near the kitchen area and weep.
Its funny how I keep crying about a guy who does not bother about me the slightest bit.
I mean if he cld text me a message and not even seeing the need to talk about the matter.
I mean if he cld ignore all my messages and emails.
I mean if he go on all fine when I couldn’t even go to work
I mean if he cld tell me that he couldn’t come any earlier to talk about it coz he had to do his readings, and was taking part in a challenge and hosting.
I mean even though he knew that I loved him like crazy yet keep how his thought about everything to himself.
I mean if he cld just leave me not even seeing the need to keep me as a person in his life….(but I guess its easier to just walk out then to sit and explain to me things and keep me in his life…maybe that’s all that I was worth)
How much could I have meant to him even as a person let alone as someone that he loved once?
I wish to put the painful past behind, to make peace with the past so that my future wont be so painful.
But I don’t know how to do it when its just the bitter painful thoughts and feelings running all over me.
I think its very painful when you go after someone and claim the world but to leave the person without a word especially when the person thinks that you are her world. How about those times when you said we could work out differences? And that will makes us stronger. How come we don’t do that now when I am willing?
Yeah but what I can do about it. Its not as though I can control the situation or change anything.
I wake everyday feeling very down and having that feeling in my heart.
I tell myself everyday that there is nothing I can do about it.
Every day I still go back to doing the same thing.
He says I can look at this whole thing negatively or just remember the good things about it.
But how do I do that?
I tell that to myself everyday yet I still never came out of it.
My stupid heart. When will you learn? Hiaz

I have been thinking and weeping a lot this week. Again. Argh!

2009-10-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why.
I cant seem to put the past behind me. Its going to be two months.
I feel a perpetual misery within me. Like I am just moving around with the misery everywhere I go.

Maybe it is cause..i never things on my mind that was so disturbing that I cant live with this.
I still am in shock. I don’t know why I am like this. Really.
I still sit in wonder and cry myself to sleep every day as I rethink the whole thing.

Maybe coz its my first love that I was so emotionally and physically attached to.

Maybe coz it was at the peak point of my love for him. Like when I reached the ultimate stage of love that he left me. When I loved everything about him.

Maybe coz I cant even believe that he left me. Coz he was the one who always accused me of leaving him one day…coz he was the one who said he loved me so much.

Maybe its coz I just believed everything he said. Now to think about it…he was just a 22 year old talking about marriage…what was doing? Why in the world was I taken in by that? But then again I never ever thought like that. I ever even considered that he was saying things he never meant. I thought about so many other things but no this at all.Maybe I should have.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was so nice….that he wld never inflict so much of pain in me.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was such a people person that I never thought he wld sms me and then disappear from my life and not reply anything or leave me with so much of pain or even not talk about it all along when we could have…all those months. How can a person be allowed to keep everything within himself and just make a sole decision to leave another…although it involves two people…two hearts.

Maybe I coz I held on to every word he said….that I forgot he love I cant hold people to their words.

Maybe its coz initially I was so afraid it wldnt work out that I was so hesitant to get close but eventually I was so taken in by him…so drawn into him...that I never expected to be thrown out just like that. Am I to think that…I was right from the start…maybe gut feeling and instincts do work…..but its too late. I am too hurt to sit and smile to myself that I was right all along.

Maybe its coz though things were not perfect these months…I still felt loved by the things he said and did then I never expected to make a sudden decision like this.
So here I am. Letting each day pass by me. Although I know that there is no point thinking about all these, I still do coz how else do I survive my days? I hope today passes by and I wldnt cry.

misery

2009-10-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

okay...one.by.one.everyone.leaving.home
time.to.sleep.
i.hope.everyone.is.okay.

i.cant.deal.with.this.this.anymore.
i.tried.to.find.a.way
all.this.while.
but...

:(

2009-10-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

i.wish.he.was.here.today.

i.know.i.am.wishing.for.the.unhappenable.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.left.me.just.like.that.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.went.on.with.events.and.reading.when.i.was.dying.and.crying..
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.never.turned.back.to.look.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.hurt.me.like.hell.
i.guess.if.it.is.over.for.him.means..everything.is.over...and.everything.ends.there.
so.why.wld.he.be.here.

but.i.am.the.one.who.is.living.with.the.hurt
but.i.am.the.one.who.is.living.with.the.hell.

anyways.rest.in.peace.uncle..
i.wish.i.was.in.your.place.
so.very.much.

emotions.

2009-10-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

i.never.knew.i.cld.have.emotions.so.tortured.
i.love.him.like.crazy
i.hate.him.for.wat.he.did.to.me...and.for.wat.i.am.going.through.each.day....
why.did.he.have.to.choose.me....
why.cldnt.we.just.be.frens.from.the.start...
or.together.forever..

when.i.am.out..i.pretend.and.we.all.laugh.and.smile..
when.i.go.home..everynite.till.tonite..i.cry...

its.funny...how.i.wld.give.the.world.for.him....like.really...like.anything...
i.will.give.anything.in.the.world.just.to.hear.him
but.yet..i.am.not.allowed.to
i.guess.thats.the.thing.about.love...
it.has.to.be.two.sided...
but.its.damn..painful.to.live.with.the.memories.

memories.fade....they.say..
bt.you.know..i.think.mine.wasnt.infatuation.....mine.wasnt..temporary..
its.very.hard.to.explain.
i.really.saw.perfection.
that.only.happens.when.you.are.in.love.
and.when.i.am.in.love...i.never.let.go
maybe.thats.why.i.am.dying.here.
i.dont.think.the.love.will.fade...i.dont.think.the.pain.will.fade.

how.can.it.be.so.painful?
i.hate.you.
for.leaving.me.like.this.
for.not.knowing.wat.is.happening.
for.hurting.me.like.hell.
how.cld.you.do.everything.that.you.did?
why.dont.you.just.kill.me.instead?
how.long.more.will.i.last.like.this?

yet.i.have.to.bottle.everything.up.and.pretend.damn.

what.the...

2009-10-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

and.he.proved.to.be.what.i.was.hoping.he.wldnt.be
wat.a.bloody....i.wldnt.wanna.use.vulgarities...bt.still.a.total.jerk..what.the.hell..man

This past week has been terrible

2009-10-11T02:45:00.000-07:00

For some stupid reason I miss him like crazy. I keep having him in dreams when I am sleeping. I keep thinking about him even in the day time so much so that tears start streaming down my cheeks even in public places. Damn.

I really could not take it. So I decided to go to Labrador park on Friday…I don’t know why I did that. Really. Coz that was one of the last places we were hanging out and we took so much of pics there…I could not even bring myself to step on the area where the water was….coz that’s where he was taking pictures. Of me, of a couple who were trying to take pictures, of us. I just stood there and cried. Painful. Now to think I don’t even know if he loved when we went there that time. Maybe in his mind he was already formulating the breakup whereas I was totally crazy about him.

Recently my school teacher caught me crying on my way home in the feeder service. I mean I haven spoken to her for ages neither did I know that she stayed anywhere near tampines. But I always remembered what she told us once. We were about 10 in our science class…where we kids would pair kids in our class as couples and say “he loves her” or “she loves him” and she got angry one day and asked us if we know what is true love? And she said love is “even when a person you love had a an accident and he is totally disfigured and can’t do a single thing….you loving like never before is true love”

I always remembered that. I always used it as a reality check to see if I really love someone. So I cried to her…that my true love is gone and I don’t know why. I told her everything from the time I made stupid mistakes to the time I loved him like crazy and I told her I can’t forget my love. I told her how I cannot look at her person in a few months and tell him/her that I love the person cause my love always takes time to develop. I need to know if I will stay with the person through anything like really. I need time and when I say it I truly mean it with my all my life and will never leave him. And not just say things which does not materialize like what he did. He claimed his love was true. He said so many things. But he left. How can your love be true if you leave a person? Coz I hurt him he says….but I am sorry ..i really dint know I was hurting him that bad..now that I know…I really made sure I din and wanted to give him all my love…but come when he knew that he was hurting me for the past eight months…he just left hurting me forever? How come my mistakes are unforgiveable? Isn’t it human to err and most importantly to realize your mistakes?

I told her I don’t know what went wrong. Is it cause I took too long to fall totally in love? Is it cause my past mistakes are unforgiveable? I don’t know.

And sometimes I really feel down. I can’t help it even my family isn’t perfect. If we don’t go to the temple. I can still hear his snigger …oh you don’t go to temples…..what am I suppose to do…maybe my mum thinks survival is more important than temples. And my dad will never step into a temple…is that my fault? I never said I don’t believe in going to temple. I can only be responsible for what I can control ..I told her…. I only haf myself to offer.

He says it depends on how you look at things…you can think back of the sweet memories. Yeah and be happy that my love is destroyed right. Nice..eh… I guess its way you look at things…for you chasing someone and then leaving someone can be a norm…for you to look back and think of it as memories..but for me it is not. So yeah. For you to leave someone there full of pain who would not even had the pain if not for you…but for me it is not.

I told her I feel very lost and destroyed. And she told me…never to forget the meaning of true love….and it is okay to take time to tell someone you love them because love is a serious thing..if you take time…it prolly means that my love isn’t superficial and not based on appearances but truly for what the person is …and that it okay to make mistakes as long as you realize them and that I can only control things that I can control. She told me I can still love him…to prove my love is true.

She din tell me my definition of love was stupid…she dint tell me there was no such thing as love….she din tell me not to waste my time like everyone else told me. She made me feel better…tiny weeny better.

And she said she is still proud of me as ever. Nearly fifteen years has passed. She said she saw the same innocence. The same purity.

She said god will be on my side and good things will happen.

But I don’t know….i think the world is a screwed up places and the people in it are making it worse off. Even people whom I wholly thought were angels.

recently...i.was.clearing.my.destop...and.i.saw.this.letter..by.him....in.reply.to.the.nonsensical.letter.i.sent.to.him
I, ........y
(1) Agree that ...... is gorgeous, and it makes my day to just talk to her or see her the least bit. Buzz off if she thinks I expect anything. I do not care. She just makes my day.

and.now...he.doesn.want.to.talk.to.me.or.even.see.me...wat.a.joke...
maybe.we.shldnt.trust.guys.who.say.this.kinda.thing...
god.help.me..please

hurt.so.fresh

2009-10-07T09:11:00.001-07:00

i.stil.feel.it

him.walking.away.from.me
him.saying.he.doesn.want.to.appear.on.pics..giving.me.reasons.that.never.aligned.with.wat.he.did.in.real.life
him.saying.that.he.wants.to.pick.himself.up
him.texting.me.the.breakup
him.not.even.bothered.abt.how.i.was.
him.just.going.on.with.life.as.though.nothing.happened
me.destroyed.and.broken.
damn

I.have.been.finding.it.real.hard.to.move..
and.its.really.coz.of.you
maybe.if.you.bothered.to.tell.me.things.properly
maybe.if.you.told.me.a.reason...
i.wld.know..
its.easier.to.move.away.from.something.you.understand.than.something.you.dont.at.all.

damnnnn

2009-10-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

This about a month since he officially stopped talking to me except for the confrontations….
I know its retarted that I am even acknowledging it

But its hard to live with it you know
Coz I miss it like crazy
Yet I know I can’t have it
And I don’t know why
Maybe I don’t even want it anymore
For the way he treated me …since that call on Saturday night.
So it hurts
You are damn right

I was thinking about love
And I think love is just for the moment kinda thing..i mean I wld never accept it but I think that’s wat everyones doing.
Maybe if I said a few “I love you”s …without making sure I really really loved him till death …things would have been happier…maybe he wld have been happier…
Although I always loved him internally

Maybe if I never bothered about his smoking, his health, his diet, his savings and never wanted the best for him…things would have been happier…maybe he wld have been happier…
Although I always loved him for who he was

Maybe if I never scolded him for wasting money on me…things would have been happier and maybe he wld have been happier
Although I always treasured everything he got for me…even if I din like them….

Cause anyway he was going to leave me one day…cause it was for fun….cause it can end anytime….why did I even bother thinking of his as my hubby and wanting the best for us…for him….i don’t know….

Maybe if ever and ever there is another time…coz I don’t really trust anyone now…but if it ever happens…maybe a few “I love you”s …and not being bothered about how he is is the way its going to be…coz I don’t think anyone wld stay with me forever anyways so why bother about anything…just haf fun at the moment.. If he can leave….anyone can…

And Ash I hate hurting you.
You have been trying to contact me since that day
But I cant answer…I need you to realize wat you did is wrong.
I am not saying he is more important than you.
Try to understand….what you did is wrong
I am in worse state you are in….so don’t worry

2009-10-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

Bt I know you cant be evil…you are suppose to be nice.
So I don’t really hate you as a person maybe for wat you did to me
So I hope you are doing fine
But I wish things were different
I wish love wasn’t a trial and error thing
I wish you meant it till the end when you said you loved me
Like when I did …I really really meant it…I wld have stayed with you through anything in the world.i promise.
I wish you didn’t say you love me to find out you dint want me any longer.
Maybe you cld have taken more time to decide if you wanted me before you said you loved me or you could have stayed till the end and worked things out.
I wish we talked about things instead of you keeping them within you.
I hope it wont happen to anyone else.
Maybe its just my thinking
Maybe if I had a few more heartbreaks or break ups I will be okay
But I am like a child, I cant handle this pain
I don’t know what to do

They say I am idealistic and stupid
To them …I will get over these in time to come and find someone better
To me …he was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything, my bestfren, the man I looked up to and respected, the one that I wanted to see happy.
Maybe that’s why I shld let him go …coz he will be happier elsewhere.
Maybe that’s why I shld hide my pain.
I am trying
Still trying

bt i am dying

Tears

2009-10-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

Tears streaming i sit in my room as I think
My “dad” just asked me how come I no longer talk on the phone at nights.
I just walked away.

I still cannot understand how he could just walk away.
Maybe he thought it was for his good.
But how could he do that?
How could someone walk in and out of a person’s life?
Because it is for his own good?

Then what about the promises he made and the words he said
Words like
Different people if they work thing out we will stay stronger together
I can fight my parents just need you to say yes and stay with me
I will put in the effort even if you don’t
I never thought I could get you
You need to trust me we will make this work.

Were they words you said out of excitement?
Or words to have fun with me?
Or words that you never meant?

Initially I wanted you to loose weight, dress better, save money, and study harder, stop smoking.
But dude they were all for your good… I never would have left you if you never did those ..although you promised me you will do them.

Why do you walk away when I wanted you for who you are now.

Dude when I trust you why do just walk away?
When I think we can make it work …why do just walk away?
How fair can this be?
What if you build my trust over the years? Whatever for? To break it just like this?
And you say we should have broken up in Jan…is that a reason dude for acting the way you are acting now?
If we were to broken up in jan….what does all the time we shared till recently means? Nothing? You were just waiting to go…weren’t you?

Maybe you have a very valid reason…which you never bothered to tell me..but dude..how fair is it to me?

Well at least you made me realize it is possible and one could hurt someone
You made me realize words doesn mean everything
You made me realize love isn’t forever and one can just walk away
But its damn painful.
Bloody damn painful

2009-10-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

"Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close,
when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Yeah, I will love you baby - Always And
I'll be there forever and a day -
Always If you told me to cry for you I could
If you told me to die for you I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you
Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice "

stop.really

2009-09-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

the.one.who.you.loved.with.your.life.hurts.you
your.fren.hurts.you
everyone.is.fighting.in.the.house.
bt...listen.heart.....the.whole.world.can.hurt.you...and.u.can.think.they.are.bastards..but.the.world.is.like.that
if.nonone.hurt.each.other..the.world.willl.be.a.happier.place..bt.its.not.like.that.
its.not.a.fair.world.really.
but.remember.noone.cares.abt.you...and.you.dont.trust.those.who.do.now....so.if.you.dont.stop.crying..noone.is.there.to.stop.it
so..please.stop.it...stop.

i.hate.everyone.
everyone.
i.hate.my.life

who.was.i.kidding?

2009-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

yeah.who.was.i.kidding?
i.cried.for.a.total.of.three.hours.for.now...
i.dono.why.i.keep.tearing.like.this
but.it.bloody.hurts.
really.

but.i.cannot.let.the.world.see.my.tears
i.cannot.let.the.world.see.my.hurt
i.need.to.pretend.like.everything.is.alright.
...
damn
damnit
please.stop.me.from.crying.stop.my.heart.from.bleeding.

Hmmm

2009-09-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

And i know it sounds nuts that…I am standing there and defending a guy who left me ..who isn’t even there for me now. But you know that’s not the point…the point is the act is wrong. Therefore I really cannot tolerate what happened on Saturday and therefore I wont. None of you know him as I do.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff that is happening. And the questions will never end. You know stuff like why he suddenly left….and for what reason….why he doesn bother to reply anything as though I did a major crime…and what do I do with my love when someone exits your life…how can a guy so nice ever have the heart to do this? Why can’t things have happened in a better way? Why does ash have to make things bad…But I guess I will never get the answers coz the answers are not in my control….. as much as it hard to live without a peaceful mind. I don’t have a choice. I am forced. Like’s like that….hmm that’s quite a sad life.

But anyways I think at the end of the day what matters is what you are. So I am just going to be a good person. I will try to bury the hurt within me. I will talk to my mom more…I will be there for her…I will do good stuff to people and be nice. I won’t hurt anyone. I wont say I wont cry …there will be moments that I tear just like that….there will be hours that I cried myself to sleep. Coz it hurts so I guess its okay to cry.

Most of the old A2s got promoted to seniors this time round. That means all of us will have equal chance of promotion next year. So I am going to try and work very hard to become a senior next year and leave soon after.

And I have a got a brand new expensive phone sitting next to me. I am so afraid I am going to break it. I will try to take care of it as it is so berry expensive. I need to go buy all kinds of protection for it.

And I will turn to music to ease my pain. That reminds I need to buy a new hardisk to store all my songs that I have downloaded and keep away all the all photos we took so that I wont keep looking at it.

And yayee on Thursday I am going for a stock take after a long time

2009-09-27T04:31:00.000-07:00

why do i feel so down...hiaz

alone

2009-09-27T01:19:00.001-07:00

Just leave me alone. Really
I thought my friends were the greatest things on earth.
I thought you people were the sweetest ones.
Now I don’t seem to like anyone
Maybe I should just be alone for a while.

S calls me and asks me. How are things? Dude I don’t want to talk to you. Just get out of my life. Remember how you ruined things for me at one point in time….and whenever I asked you about it… you always denied making those calls. You know…then I still had some trust in you…coz….you were my fren..coz I was close to your family…i cldnt see why you wld anything to harm me…after everything that you have done for me….now I don’t know…I think in the name of over protectiveness you just had fun…

If you bothered about me …my real happiness…if you were decent…you wldnt have done that but you still deny it but I don’t trust you anymore…

I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I had enuff of everything

I just want to be myself. I just want to be a good person and do good stuff. I just want to make people who deserve to be happy happy. That’s all.

Too far

2009-09-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

I think this time you have brought too far. Way too far ash.
You know ash.. You are one my closest male frens. I know you like me in a romantic way. You know I never did. I did not even do a single tiny thing to show you that I was in interested in any way.

In these five years I have liked two other guys … you have liked several other gals.
The first one …I dint tell you much about him….the two years I was with him…the time we parted..i din tell you anything..i don’t know why..i juz din feel like talking about it to you…. Bt you have haunted me for the longest time about not sharing my life with you. I really felt bad ash…I wanted to be more open with you.
You know when the second guy came into the picture….you were one of the reasons among others…why I din want to get attached to him so fast..i thought it might hurt you…I thought it will be better if things happened slower. I hurt the one I liked coz you were my fren and I din want to hurt you.
About two years past…and you knew I liked him….but suddenly things screw up and we part and I am bloody upset dude… I have never loved anyone like that…I have never been so close to a person like that.
When the person you love…and the person who madly loves you or loved you once…doesn reply your msges…gets irritated at the sound of your voice, suddenly stop messaging you home…texts a message and disappears from your life. It hurts dude….hurts big time. You cannot imagine the hurt. But what did to me is what he did to me. Its none of your business ash.

You called me one day while I was crying and I tell you wat happen..

Its been about a month…my pain never lessened….and you never made things better. From day 1…I have been hearing….negative comments about his looks and my tate in guys blah blah. You know I hated you saying those things. I have told you off a hundred times. Yet you call all your frens and tell them that I like ugly guys and compare him with you. You made facebook comments about him. You know I have told you to stop a hundred times. Yesterday at your house party….in front of your so many guests..you did it again. I know it cannot be coz you were drunk….coz you do it even when you are not drunk.You bloody pissed me off this time. You have crossed your limit. I don’t think this is fair for him at all.

You have got no right…no absolute right to talk abt him. And you know he is the most beautiful guy I have ever seen. Maybe he is not perfect. Maybe he hurt me big time. I dono why he did wat he did to me….But still as a person putting aside what has happened. I think he is a gem of a person. A person of character. A person of passion. A person who never fails to lend a helping hand. A person who brought about so much of depth in me. A person who made me realize a lot of things about me and made me a person far better than what I was a few years ago. And you have no right to talk about him. No right at all.

I am gonna move away from you ash….as a friend I thought you will be there as person to lean on…to get me out of my misery …I never knew you will hurt me so much more. One day I will show you what a gem he is…. When my world is falling apart..why do you pull it apart futher ash? I have lost a best fren in him….why do you have to make me loose you as well? Why hurt a soul who is already bloody hurt?

Hurts.damn.

2009-09-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hurts.damn.
Yesterday.during.a.galfren.mentioned....guys.are.very.emotional….when.they.want.a.girl.at.that.time..they.will.do.anything.for.it.at.the.moment….but.not.later.on…..she.said.gals.were.different…even.if.they.dont.like.the.guy.at.first….they.wil.get.hooked.on.to.the.guy..forever.later……she.was.speaking.about.her.recent.experience…
And.that.mirrored.my.thoughts…as.i.saying…was.ohhh.exactly…in.my.mind.

Damn.my.heart.feels.very.wounded…very.much.in.pain..
i.wish.there.was.something.to.remove.it...........anything.

Thank you all of you

2009-09-24T05:13:00.001-07:00

Thank you all of you
Seriously
I know I have been like a dead soul.
I know for the past few weeks you guys have been there.
I wish I could show it my face.
But I can’t coz it hurts too badly.

Coz I can’t believe how love can be so temporary
Coz I cant believe he can jus walk away
Coz I can’t believe two years can become nothing the next day
Coz I don’t know what the problem was.
Coz he texted me a breakup message and never looked back

But then again there is nothing I can do but look at it in a wonder so yeah. Damn
I guess I fell too hard..
Before I fell in love with him I liked him too much to move away
When I fell in love with him. I liked him so much more than any thing else in the world. Really. I would have traded anything in the world for him.
Now that he hurt me so bad….i cant believe he cld even do this to me.
I remember those times where he said he will die if he din know I was home, those times where he said he will never want to see me hurt…whatever happened to those?
Nights are painful….sleepless with the pain in the heart…. I sit at the same place where I used to talk to him on the phone at nights.
Everything hurts so fresh so bad

Today I got another performance bonus…I don’t even know why they bother giving me that….i hardly worked these three weeks. Actually if not for the pain in my heart and my mood to cry all the time…the weeks wld have been good ones…I have become real close to my manager…I have been involved in planning meeting and closing meetings. And she kinda trusts me……although I am disaster.

Today I got the letter for the 2k bonus and my fren asked….so you shld be feeling a lot better…to which I replied no…..and he said you rather be with him then get your bonus..i said yes….he said I was unbelievable haha..
But you know to buy him something with that money and make him happy would have made be happier…

Why are you kidding yourself? You know he doesn bloody care abt you…if he did he wld have done things a lot different…..he wld have cared about your feeling…he wldnt have sent you the typical breakup msg….he wld have done all those things he said all those times… he wldnt have left you so abruptly and never contacted you. He argh
Is he really the same person I knew? Or was he this person that I never knew?
Why are things so sad?

Damn I am bloody screwed

2009-09-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Damn I am bloody screwed
My emotions are driving me crazy
One minute I miss him terribly
Like all in the world I wish for is to hear him for a few mins
The next mintute I am bloody mad at him for bringing me to this stage…for walking away.
For giving me the drug….little by little he gave me his love...initially I resisted and when I have fully absorbed the drug to the extend that I can’t live without…he took it away totally all so suddenly. That anger and hurt is killing me.

The next minute I am thinking ..what is the point of feeling anything coz when he can throw away a person he knew for two years…a person who loved him like crazy…why am I sitting here and crying after a person who just destroyed me.

Because it all hurts.

Everyone tells me you will get over him…you will find someone better..
Why don’t anyone bloody understand that its LOVE…it’s a hurt LOVE.
I don’t tell anyone I love him within days of being with someone but when I say I love someone…I really mean it like hell. It’s a love that grew within me for two years…what do u all want me to do? Throw it away? Its not even about the love anymore..its about the hurt love…..the one that he threw it away for himself.
Do you know how it feels like loving someone slowly bit by bit for 2 and half years….when you love him every single bit of him..he comes and tells you..i cant do this..i need to pick myself up…and disappears from your life? I do.

Bt I am not suppose to feel this way…don’t act so needy….they say….show him that you can live without him….oh I am so sorry I forgot to realize that I am starring in a drama or something…..what in the world…I am bloody hurt and all that matters is how I come across as? What the world sees me as? So if I pretend that I don’t even care about the whole thing, then its perfect?
Yeah I know he doesn bloody care…bt I do okie…I cant help it..i do…it meant the world to me….so I care…my love was true so I care….okie?!

damn

2009-09-22T04:14:00.000-07:00

it hurts.
real bad.

and its real unfair
that he left me like this
prolly he doesn even care
coz everything only matters when he is in love
then he wld have all the time in the world to be with someone
when he is no longer in love with the person
out the person goes.
and he doesn even care if the person died from the pain.
wow
it makes me real angry...
i guess i was just stupid to have him fool around with me
i guess i was just stupid to believe in his love.

argh

2009-09-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

i.saw.the.facebook.from.the.fren
and.i.am.not.happy.at.alll
why.does.he.have.to.keep.doing.this...
why cant he juz leave me alone.

i guess i shld keep the hurt within myself. no more facebook comments. i need to grow up
i can't be like a kid all time. i cant express myself all the time...when i am hurt i cant cry when i happy i cant smile...when i am mad i cant sulk in front of other people. i guess i have to learn to keep certain things within myself.these are valuable lessons that i learnt.

and i need to pull myself tog
i cant keep thinking why it happened....damn
really its been two weeks bt i can still hear him say...i dont want you....damn
love hurts man. big time.
okie okie quit it ....just go listen to songs...then it will be bedtime try to sleep..okie...please....i need to stop crying.

stranded

2009-09-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

Do you remember dude….two years ago about this time?
When you called me crying because you were so hurt and so scared to go home coz someone saw you with your ex and it was late in the night and you were seating by the benches near your house
I was so worried for you dude…I just wanted you to be okay…to take away that pain.
I am in the same amount hurt now dude..maybe even worse of.
Hoe can you leave me stranded in pain unable to move?
Is that all I meant to you?

=(

2009-09-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

I wonder why men are such heartless creatures
How can they inflict so much of pain and just leave you to die
And walk away.
Yeah maybe he wants me out of the picture to get me out of his system and continue with his life like nothing happened.
But the pain he caused will never leave my system. Never
Then what do I do?

yeah i can't do anything i juz have to live with the pain...live a painful life.

coz he calls the shots.

Terrible.

2009-09-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

I.was.feeling.really.down.
i.dono…this.is.my.worst.holiday.
for.some.reason.my.hurt.seem.to.have.deepened.over.the.week
i.really.really.need.to.find.a.way.to.live.
i.don’t.want.to.talk.to.my.frens.anymore…they.keep.saying.hes.a.jerk…and.that.hes.prolly.hanging.out.with.a.gal…now.they.say….why.are.you.crying.over.him.….i.get.defensive.and.tell.them.to.stop.calling.him.a.jerk…and.stop.saying.things…..i.mean..yeah..maybe.i.feel.like.wat.he.did.to.me.was.jerkish…bt.nobody.else.has.any.right.to.call.him.that….
so.i.see.R.online…i.thought.i.could.talk.to.R
but…R.right.at.the.beginning.of.the.conversation.started.saying….keep in mind that i am his fren….i.was.puzzled..and.i.asked.him…how.does.you.being.his.fren.matter….and.he.said
coz.he.will.be.biased.and.he.said.he.din.understand..how.i.cld.gruduate.without.understanding.all.these…okayyyyy….
for.a.moment..i.was.taken.back…i.tot..i.was.his.fren.too..i.mean.maybe.not.a.close.onbt.still.a.fren…and.the.he.goes.on.to.say…just want to set the parameters.and.some.of.the.things.i.say.will.be.skewed..and.i.dont.wan’t.things.to.get.too.confused…and.then.he.says.everyone.gets.upset.about.someone.sometime…hmm..now..i.really.dono.wat.he.was.talking.about…maybe.He.told.R.something…about.me..thats.why.R.is.speaking.like.this….damn…i.din.feel.like.speaking.to.him.anymore…i.wasnt.going.to.bitch.about.him.to.R…i.juz.wanted.to.talk.about.my.upsettness.anyways…R.says.he.had.to.go.for.dinner…i.was.glad.to.let.him.go….i.wonder.what.he.told.R…now.ii.dont.feel.like.talking.to.R….maybe.it.was.my.studity.in.wanting.to.talk.to.his.fren….i.wonder.why.he.can’t.tell.me.the.problems…bt.he.tells.it.a.fren.instead…i.wonder.wat.is.so.hard.about.communicating.to.me….maybe.if.i.knew.wat.was.wrong....this.wldnt.have.happened.in.the.first.place..maybei.will.be.less.hurt……coz..the.fact.that.he.is.hurt.coz.of.me…hurts.me.so.much.than.my.own.hurt…maybe.i.did.too.many.things.to.hurt.him…i.wish.i.cld.rewind.the.clock….coz.i.am.really.sorry…and.i.have.grown.up….damn..screw.it.man.i.am.not.even.gona.try.to.talk.to.anyone.anymore..the.best.person…whom.i.can.talk.to.is.him….bt…its.such.a.pity…that.its.him..that..the.whole.thing.was.about....and.i.am.not.allowed.to.talk.to.him
now.i.feel.horrible.abt.wat.R.said.i.dont.think.things.are.going.to.be.the.same.between.R.and.me…….and.tired.of.looking.for.people.to.talk.to….i.need.a.counselor…..why.is.life.so.damn.painful

Going, Trying, But Mostly Crying

2009-09-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know why I still care
I can still see you but your obviously not there
This situation is not the same as before
The reason why is because now I want you more
I promise I will still try to disappear from life.I will try
But I can't guarantee that I won't cry
When I said I'd love you forever, it wasn't a lie

Can you even imagine?

2009-09-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Can you even imagine?

What it's like to be in pain

How it feels to lie awake

Feeling angry, tired and bruised

To have no friend to turn to

Filled with rage I can't release

Can you even imagine?

What it's like to know such pain

How it feels to wake each morning

With a past I can't understand

To live a constant nightmare

That no else can parallel

hmm

2009-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

as i look at my facebook photos .i wonder why he never liked me putting up pics of him on my profile..
i wonder why he never wanted to be associated with me recently..
i wonder why he suddenly broke off.
and why he is so keen is chasing me over instead of working on pick himself up
so many questions...
the more i think abt it
the more i dont buy his reason for wanting to part....

=(

2009-09-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

i feel like crying now.
i miss him terribly as much i hate him for what he has done to me
it kills me to know that i will never hear him sing on the phone
never hear him burb
will never get to watch movies with him
will never get to see him go to sleep on the phone.
i wanna tell him so many things...bt he is not around.
why dudey
why did you have to decide to go away from me?
cldnt we have spoke abt it and worked something out...
i need you i miss you

In this world

2009-09-15T04:37:00.001-07:00

I think I am not suited to live in this world
I don’t like this world
Where people hurt one another
Where people swear at each other
Where people sleep around and make out with anybody and not only with their sole partner.
Where some of us have very unhappy families
Where innocence and purity no longer exists.
I feel very out of place.
I don’t want to change with the world.
I feel like the world has no place for me.

reflections

2009-09-15T00:31:00.001-07:00

Someone told me today that I should reflect on my recent love life
And I shld not let people play with my feelings.
And that I was stupid enough to fall in love with a kid

And those words hurt

Coz how was I to know that people will play with my feeling
Coz I trusted him.
Did he really play with my feeling and went off?
All this happened cause he was younger than me?
I never saw him as a kid …that thought itself disgusts me.
Hmm
What I am suppose to reflect on?
I don’t even know what happened.
How to prevent the same thing from happening? When I don’t know what is wrong.
He din say anything much…..except about picking himself up
And also he doesn’t like to talk about things so he isn’t gona talk about this matter either.
But dude this isn’t about yourself.
When you involve another person with you..you are responsible for the person as well.
People told you to look after yourself first.
But people dint tell you, you can enter someone’s life and leave as and when you deem fit without a proper reason or rhyme.
People dint tell you, you can mess up another person’s life to look after yours.
It doesn make any sense dude.
This is me dude. You know how painful it is dude.
And just cause you claim to feel the pain as well. It doesn’t justify my pain.
For you when you come home at night and sit at your computer, you feel the emptiness.
I feel the hurt, the pain, the tears, the cheated feeling, unanswered questions running around my mind all the time dude. And all this because of you.

i.feel.so.lonely

2009-09-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

you.have.your.frens...your.family
bt.i.put.you.in.front.of.everyone....now.you.are.gone...i.feel.so.empty...
i.dont.want.to.sleep..
i.cant...
wat.do.i.do?
god...please..someone...anyone...help.me...
i.am.dying...
please..i.beg.u.people.

a.loser

2009-09-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

painful.i.cant.do.this.

if.i.can.see.you.for.ten.mins...maybe.i.can.live.for.a.week?..please?i.beg.you...i.will.give.u.anything.you.want...

another.day.of.not.working
i.dont.know.wat.to.do.
i.wldnt.be.suprised.if.they.sack.me
i.loved.him.more.than.anything.else....i.trusted.him.more.than.anything.else.
he.was.my.everything.
bt.he.walked.away.
what.do.i.do.now?...
i.dont.want.to.sleep..i.will.die.trying.to.sleep...

i.am.wreck..i.badly.need.him...why.did.you.away?i.will.give.you.anything...anything.at.all.
please.let.me.live...
how.can.u.hurt.me.and.leave.....how.can.live.knowing.someone.whom,you.loved.once.is.dying.because.of.u.
i.felll.in.love.with.ur.for.your.nice-ness
i.never.knew.you.wld.leave.me.so.much.of.cruelty.
never.

jerk

2009-09-14T03:20:00.001-07:00

I can’t believe what a jerk he is
The more I think about the more fury builds in me
The more hurt I feel.

He tells me to get over him and come back.
What does he take me for?
It is love man.
How can I love you when you want and not love you when you don’t want?
And now I am hurt and torn and all you can tell me is…..it will hurt lesser later on.
How about doing something about the hurt?
There is nothing that can be done coz he says breakups are like that?
so you will breakup coz breakups are normal?
And the reason is he is lost
So what I am? A victim of your lost emotions?
You can’t destroy someone just cause you are lost.
You think this is short term pain…you have scared me for life.
Do you know how damn unfair that is?
I can’t believe him.
He can win events and have fish co when I haven ate anything much for a whole week.
And he says he never lets anything affect his life….yeah rite then how about the time when you were still in love with me (if that was love in the first place) and just coz I don’t explain my emotions you used to tell me I cant do anything. So what happened to it now?
You spoke about marriages; you spoke of so many things. Whatever happened to it now?
Everywhere I go, I see him. The subway at tampines, the fish n co at suntec, the train rides, the 969 busstop even the carpark. Damn.

You came in to my pure life, thought me love and desire and stripped me away of it and walked away. I will never forgive you for that. You will realize the pain when the same thing happens to you one day.

can't

2009-09-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

i dono why i do this to myself.
i took my phone and read my old messages he sent to me
calling me baby and sweetheartand gorgeous...and askin if i had dinner and lunch ...or if i was home. and that he misses me
and i broke into tears again.
please i cannot take it.
if i can only have one wish i will wish to reverse time.
kill me . i cant do this.

DAMN

2009-09-13T05:24:00.001-07:00

Woa the pain keeps making me cry.
I ignore everyone else around here.
I just keep crying.
I wanted him so bad.
He tells me to get over him to meet him.
How did he get over me so fast?
And he says he is no better.
If both of us are suffering then why are we even parting?
I don’t really understand many things.
I think its pretty unfair that I am pushed to this situation.

I mean if he wanted to break up with me I think there should be indications. There should be signs that shows things are not working. I never saw any.
He prollly built up over the months and suddenly decided to break the news to me. And then what do I do? Cry in pain is what I am doing.
Its okies to have emotional depth but how can allow his emotional side to affect me and wants me to be removed as the only resolution to the problem he is facing?
How come he doesn want to work around the problem? How come he wants me to be removed even before he starts working on his issues?
I am so confused and gone.
I keep thinking of the wondering memories we had
The pictures we took at snow city.
The kisses we shared
The moments we spent together from the time be packed apple juice and bread and his laptop to the beach to the watch the movie on his laptop to time we watched kandasamy and he bought me a beautiful bag. Damn. Bloody hell. Wat life is this?

Screwed

2009-09-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

I am back from the meet up.
I was scared to go for it.
Cause I know going for it means it ending it although he already decided that on Monday.
I dono I thought I will get answers.
As to why he behaved like that on Sunday and Monday but I got none
As to why he never told me about the way he felt till last Monday and why he kept quiet all the time but I got none.
As to why he never bothered to initiate a meet up after that message. It just broke my heart to know that he was busying attending events when a few hours of time could have made a world of a difference to me.
Everything just came to “I don’t know” or “I need to pick myself up” which was somehow related to me being with him.
It doesn make sense to me. It seems like a strange reason.
I dono to feel anger that he screwed my life up or to feel scared for him coz hes lost.
Damn why did he come into my life
Why did I ever ever love him.
How am I going to survive?
Why am I suffering so much more coz he is lost?
He says he never lets anything affect his life but he affected everything of my life.
How can he say he loves me yet cause so much of pain to me? He says heart breaks are like that. But that does not justify anything.
It so painful that I am moving away from the guy I loved for a reason that I don’t know.
I need death.

heart.broken.

2009-09-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

god help me

2009-09-10T16:33:00.001-07:00

I can’t live.
It’s been 5 days
I never stopped crying
I never started eating
I never spoke to anyone in my house.
I am not going to work again today.
I just can’t.
Yesterday my supervisor told me to told me crying.
I can’t.

I am just living for Sunday. I just want to ask him a few questions.
Then I am ready to be gone.
I wish a car or a bus takes me away.
Please something take me away.
You were my first many things…
And you were the first who left me stranded crying after being so close to me.
You wanted to pick up your life by destroying mine?

Everyone says hes a jerk. He juz left you without even bothering to make sure you are fine. He din even dicuss anything with you .he juz left. If anyone loved you, they wouldn’t do this.
She said she is shocked. This guy was the one who cldnt bear the pain when you went threading and now he is inflicting so much of pain in you.
He says you can get someone way better.

Maybe he has some good reasons for doing this so I defend him.

They say you are juz stupid and they leave me too.

But even if you had good reason. Is this how you hurt me and treat me? Like I don’t deserve any respect or humanity?

He was more than a love interest he was my closest confiding person.
I so wanted to call him yesterday and tell him wat happened.
But I know he will reject my call.
I know if he can leave just like that when I was pleading with him to message on Sunday just to tell me if he is busy or mad .,,,,to say so…. He never did though a msg wld helped me to sleep and be peaceful. He just decided on his own to stop messaging me home despite me being worried.
Will he even care what else happens in my life?
Will he even care if I am alive or dead?
I don’t think so.
I keep everything to myself and continue crying.
GOD kill me. Please. Please.

2009-09-09T02:49:00.000-07:00

you.have.made.me.fall.in.love.with.u.so.madly
and.you.juz.walked.out.of.it.so.peacefully

how.cld.you.ever.do.that?

2009-09-09T02:35:00.000-07:00

my.love.for.u.got.so.much.stronger.over.the.eight.months...
that.i.wld.have.loved.you.even.if.you.killed.me..
and.all.you.can.say.is.nothing.got.better.over.the.eight.months...
when.alot.of.things.did..
maybe.if.you.opened.up...
or.expressed.you.eomtions.or.feelings...things.will.be.greater.

my.tears

2009-09-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

and.he.says.he.wants.to.isolate.himself.and.pick.himself.up.
and.that.he.doesn.have.the.strength.to.focus.on.anything.in.his.life.

so.its.juz.fair.to.leave.as.and.when.you.want?
isolate.yourself?
and.party.everyweek.
its.more.like.you.want.to.juz.move.away.from.me

if.he.really.sat.me.down.and.explained.things.and.said.we.cld.part.for.a.while.to.take.breather...
maybe..a.semester...or.forever.for.the.following.reasons....i.wld.have.appreciated.it..i.wouuld.have.respected.you..
not.throwing.a.suprise..and.leaving.me.tears.

you.may.have.many.frens..esp.now.that.you.are.so.famous...but..wat.about.me....you.were.the.closest.one.to.me
and.you.are.not.even.around.to.bother.ease.the.horrible.pain.u.are.causing.

you.prolly.never.had.the.same.measure.of.love.i.had.for.you
else.you.will.never.have.done.this.to.me.

i'll.never.forgive.him

2009-09-08T21:30:00.001-07:00

I.will.never.forgive.for.wat.he.did.to.me
the.hurt...the.way.he.left.
the.way.he.din.bother.to.pick.up.the.phone.or.msg.when.he.knew.how.much.it.meant.to.me
how.he.thinks.i.should.msg.him.home.two.years.back..but.now.when.he.doesn.feel.like.it.he.doesn.have.to.

the.way.he.decides.everything...
he.chases.he.enjoys.he.leaves...
once.he.thinks.time.is.up.everything.ends..and.he.gets.on.with.his.life.
how.nice.

did.he.forget.i.wil.be.destroyed.by.it?
did.he.think.it.was.a.joke.when.i.tried.to.talk.to.me.abt.issues.so.many.times.before?
did.he.even.care.how.miserable.i.am?
prolly.not.
what.a.jerk.
even.when.he.decides.to.end.it.all...he.doesn.feel.like.speaking..an.sms..justifies.everything.
and.i.tot.he.was.nice......like.how.all.his.frens.see.him..i.tot.he.was.the.most.amazing.person.on.earth.
thanks.for.everything.dude.

heee

2009-09-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

noone is perfect untill you fall in love with them.

so very true! =)

i can't wait to see him

i can't wait for his hug

i can't wait plan something up for his special day.

so very excited!

Like.a.stupid.fool

2009-08-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Its.been.two.nites.
i.have.been.waiting.to.talk.
bt.he.muz.be.very.busy.else..he.wld.have.bothered.to.ask.me.what.is.bothering.me
maybe.he.doesn.care.
coz.there.are.so.many.other.things.that.i.have.always.wanted.to.talk.abt.
which.we.never.talked.abt.
still.i.try
i.dono.for.wat.
really.
Like.a.stupid.fool

Why.cant.we.be.like.other.people?
Talk.issues.out
Show.that.we.care
Feel.happy.and.be.there.for.each.other.
Share.each.other’s.happenings.

why.do.we.do.things.on.a.hideout.like.some.illegal.thing.

The bag!

2009-08-24T03:52:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the table at smiling at me! I love my new bag! so much! =)

coz...

2009-08-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

coz....its.wrong.to.do.that...i.wont
coz....behind.all.those."attractiveness.and.sexy-ness".there.is.my.innocence.and.conservativeness
coz.behind.all.those.laughter.and."lively-ness"..if.you.look.close.enough.there.are.tears.and.saddness

coz.i.wish.you.were.there.to.tell.them.who.i.was.to.you.
coz.i.wish.i.could.run.into.your.arms.to.feel.protected.

but.maybe.i.am.responsible.for.myself.
and.noone.needs.me.to.be.there

sometimes

2009-08-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could smoke
Sometimes I wish I could utter all the bad words
Sometimes I wish I could drink myself silly and lie down some where
Sometimes I wish I could party all night long for days without a care in the world.

Sometimes I feel so bitter I wish I could do all of those.

Its like a temptation….an urge.

Getting stronger. Day by day. Especially today when I was on the verge.

when couldnt be with them

Like I wanna throw away and do these things.

Coz anyways everyones doing it. Maybe these things will be bring me the happiness. Why else would others be doing it.

Coz I just feel so bored with myself.

misses him

2009-08-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

she misses him so berry berry muchie!

and my supervisor is a little funny ...as in oddd. heee and i am in woodylands again. heee

me.and.me

2009-08-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

.i.cant.believe.he.spoke.to.me.like.that…and.hanged.up.just.like.that…
Coz.i.wanted.to.upload.his.pictures?...he.says..i.cant.coz.its.stressful.for.him…and.he.has.his.own.photos.albums.and.hundreds.of.photos.of.him….and.if.you.ask.why..he’ll.threaten.to.delete.the.account…..which.is.so.not.the.point…then.how.come.he.even.has.profile.pictures….like.deleting.the.account.will.slove.anything…its.the.issue.that.matters.

But.i.am.not.gona.ask.him.anymore...although.i.dont.buy.his.reason..not.as.though.my.few.pictures.would.do.anything.to.his.hundreds.of.his.profile.and.other.pictures….but..i.dont.think.we.will.have.a.proper.conversation.about.it…so.yeah…i.will.be.unhappy.abt.it..bt.i.dont.think.its.gona.matter.to.anyone.

And.i.was.the.same.person.who.never.spoke.to.S.coz.he.used.the.four.letter.once.in.a.sentence.while.refering.to.an.act.of.mine.

….there.is.nothing.i.can.do.coz.i.choose.to.accept.his.ways.his.words…i.have.a.choice…but.i.still.choose.the.same…so.who.am.i.to.complain.now…life’s.like.that….like.a.weak.idiot.who.can’t.do.anything.about.it.

Okies…..

i.have.got.loads.of.work…i.have.to.pick.up.myself.and.work..and.get.up.earlier.and.work.

the.maybes.again

2009-08-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

suddenly..i.feel.kinda.sad...maybe.thats.an.understatement

coz.he.was.awake.when.i.sent.the.msg
i.was.eagerly.waiting.for.his.reply

bt.he.din.reply

maybe..he.din.see.it
maybe.he.din.feel.like.replying.it.then
maybe.he.wanted.to.be.himself.

would.he.ever.reply.that.kinda.msges.anymore?
does.he.miss.me.at.times?

maybe.i.am.juz.stupid.

hiaz..thinking.juz.makes.it.all.the.more.sad...
i.shall.hold.that.photo.and.go.to.sleep.

Of weddings, sisters and him =)

2009-08-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Of weddings, sisters and him =)

The wedding reception I went to was kinda boring but also entertaining in its own way. I din know anyone there. I went with S, an old time fren…we went in like pretty late and we saw his friend at one of the table and we joined them. Its amazing how they thought I was his galfren and kept saying I was pretty..coz neither of it was true …we kept correcting them abt how relationship and then there was precious, the baby girl….she was such an adorable thing. Really. She isn’t the pretty pretty kind but she was really sweet and shy ..i was trying to imitate her and played with her the whole time =) my playmate! I love kids like crazy coz they really entertain me! And the family we were sitting with was also pretty nice. I loved that dad..I have thing for dads …I mean maybe coz I never really had a fatherly figure..i love talking to dads..they give me a warm sorta feeling..like I wanna trust them and listen to their wise words…its like I really wanna respect them and treat them like my own. =)

And on msn I talked to J. I think we share some sort of a weird association. I know him for about 5 years now. When I was 21 he told me he liked me and wanted to have a relationship with me. Bt to me at that age I wasn’t into relationships (Actually I was never into relationships till recently) and I found it quite strange that he dint know anything abt me yet wanted a relationship with me. I told him we can be friends and get to know each other first…to which he replied he din want a friendship. So that was that…we met in groups a few times….with nick and all..our ntuc frens…in between the years went for occasional gatherings with the gang…most of the time he never showed up. All through the years he always told me that he liked me and always said I show absolutey no interest in him. In the last conversation we had yesterday he said….its better to be loved than to love …so hes about to get attached to someone who liked him for years as I never bothered to show any form of interest or take any form of effort in getting to know him. Well I dono how you show effort or interest. I really think things should be natural …well maybe I could have showed interest maybe I felt uncomfortable knowing that he liked me before he knew anything abt me…oh well…it doesn really matter. he said I was pretty I could fid someone easily and I think hes pretty goodlooking steward as well so I wish him all the best in his relationship pursuing =)

The sisters
I think my sisters are really nice. Haha not coz they give me things. But coz they really are nice. My younger sis as a kid she was nice…she cared for everything and was very nice as a person ….as she grew up she become different … a little too naggy a little too mean too my mommy. Now she is still isn’t that nice to my mommy bt I think she loves my mommy all the same…its just the way she is. I came to realize that people have their own ways and means to show expressions and feelings. My elder sister is a gem..really I mean she maybe weird in the way she is bt as a person she nice….to me shes nice…when I was in school and needed money she gave it to me…when we needed someone to stay home and be with mommy …she always stayed back while we always hanged out with frens. She does a lot of nice stuff…and is really sweet…these two days are the closest I have ever hanged out with them .. coz I was always a lot closer to my little brother…bringing him to hang out with my frens and growing up with him…teaching him stuff…we were best buddies from music to books to clothes to frens…bt now hes gone…like totally out of my life…I feel a tinge of sadness. I think its nice being with my sisters…like where you truly belong though we are all different in our own way…I am gonnna sign up for classes with my sis, go watch movies with them and hang out more….from now on =)

And I think I am crazy over him. Like seriously I dono whats wrong with me…I keep thinking about him…keep wanting to talk to him…keep wanting to hang out with him…keep wanting to hear him..that it drives me crazy haha I wonder how I became like this. I keep wondering if he really loves me coz he doesn say the sweet nothings anymore. I keep wanting to be with him. Heee he makes me feel so safe from all the evil out there and you get the comfortable and homely feeling juz holding on to his arms. I hope I will hear him soon enough =(

Hmmm

2009-08-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

The.past.few.days…were.amazing.
Like.Sunday..i.cried.and.i.was.unhappy.abt.certain.things.he.said…yet.the.fact.that.he.was.there.made.it.all.seem.so.lovely….and.when.he.said..that.liner.at.the.bustop…i.think.that.was.the.sweetest.thing.to.say…really.

The.day.wasnt.spectular.like.how.my.frens.love.interest.wld.have.planned.it…no.fanciful.dinner….no.spas…that.kinda.thing…bt…there.was.effort…there.was.planning…and.there.was.novelty!...i.love.doing.different.things…seeing.different.things.and…those.memories..aew.imperfectly.perfect.
Monday.was.chill.and.nice…Wednesday..was.niceee.tooo…and.Thursday.was.chill.and.nice.again.
i.never.felt.so.close.to.him…for.the.whole.year.as.compared.to.those.few.days..dono.why…its.a.funny.sort.of.feeling

and.cried.on.Thursday..coz..i.kinda.felt.that.the.closeness.will.end.some.sort….and.yesterday..i.really.cld.feel.it…haha…again…it.juz.felt…that.the.past.few.days.were.a.dream…and.not.a.reflection.of.reality…and,yesterday..after.seelan.took.me.out.for.dinner..and.his.galfren.soon.joined.us….the.way.the.two.were.tog…was.sweet…like.how.we.were.the.past.few.days…that.i.actually.teared.....i.miss.him.terribly.now

i.wish…we.wld.be.close…even..when.i.dont.meet..him...i.dono.how.that.can.we.done..maybe.talking.more…maybe…knowing.that.he.loves.me..and.is.there.for.me…maybe.knowing.wat.each..other.is.doing.and.feeling….maybe..i.am.juz.asking.for.too.much…hiaz…maybe.i.shld.juz.shut.up…and.do.my.own.stuf…hiaz….:(

yesterday..when..i.sent.tthat.message.asking.for.a.groom.for.my.sister…almost.everyone.asked.me..when.are.u.going.to.look.for.mine…..which..made…me.feel.like.crap…i.wish.i.some.sort.knew..my.future.too……i.wish..i.knew.where.we.will.end.up.hiaz…

cant stop tearing.

2009-07-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

argh..

i need to pay attention to work.

god save me. please.

I think things are kinda simple

2009-07-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

He says if I loved myself I would choose a stand for myself.

Yeah if I loved myself only I would have left the longest time ago. To be with the dream guy I was telling him about right from the start. I would have never gone through these 2 years. Coz along the way he instilled in me …saying anything can be worked. I never really thought I will believe in it but I do.So why do I have to choose a stand now and love myself more. And now my love is blind? So what was hia back then? Maybe it wasn’t love…that’s why it isn’t blind love. This doesn’t really make sense to me.

What matters here really is the truth

Does he love me?

Did he love me two weeks ago?
If he din then what was Thursday about? It was nothing?
Did he love me two years ago?

Coz if he did.

Then there will be a meaning for all this pain
Then there will be a purpose
Then I will know someday we will be happier even if I suffer today.

Coz I am willing to do anything in the world to solve this.

All it takes is effort.

For the effort to be there, there should be an underlying love.

I just want to know that.

I guess it isn’t there. Else he would have said otherwise in the morning.

I just wanted him to try his very best cause it means so much to me.

I guess those kinda thing only happen in my fairy tale world as they call it. I dono wat I did wrong…maybe

It’s the fact that I like him now…maybe it was juz a game where they only want things they cant get.
It cant be the hurt…coz I am hurt so much more and I still wanan do this coz I believe this is true love.
Maybe coz I seem so bonelessly in love with him.

To be fall out of love with someone is the most hurtful thing for that someone.

But I suppose that’s what life is about.

If everything was perfect then we will never know hurt. I guess its my turn to be hit with hurt. I never thought I will get hurt. I never wanted this in the first place, I never needed the love. So why love me and hurt me now. I guess that’s how it is.

I just hope I’ll never pass this hurt to anyone else

Cause I know how much it hurts. Trust me.

maybe

2009-07-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

maybe..he.doesn.need.me.anymore...want.me.anymore...
maybe.i.need.to.go.

but.where.will.i.go.to?
where.will.my.memories.go.to?

all.shattered.and.broken....how.will.i.ever.restore.myself.

i.cant.sleep.now..

i.shall.go.down.and.get.something.

insanity

2009-07-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

I.dont.know.why.i.cried.jus.now
Maybe.it.was.his.tone….maybe.it.was.his.anger.
i.know.he.was.kidding.abt.yes.sir.thing….bt…u.know.hiaz

his.anger.scares.me...
i.dono.how.things.can.go.this.extent

i.dono.why.i.keep.coming.back.to.get.thrashed.
coz.of.love?
bt.wat.good.is.the.love?...if.i.cant.say.it.to.him…..if.he.isnt.there.for.me….if.i.have.to.be.afraid.of.him…if.he.doesn.even.love.me

coz.he.loved.me.once?
wat.if.it.was.juz.an.initial.excitement?coz.i.dont.think.anyone.wld.even.treat.their.worst.enemy.like.this….if.it.was.love..where.did.the.love.go?.where.did.the.humanity.go?

everytime.he.yells.at.me.or.treats.me.like.this…i.tell.myself..hes.tired…hes.stressed.out.from.his.camps…at.least.he.still.bothers.to.talk.to.me…the.least.i.shld.do.is.to.be.there.for.him.to.vent.everything…

but.sometimes.i.think.abt.this.and.cry..for.how.long…am.i.gona.be.like.this?....I.tot.love,care.and.concern.was.a.two.way.thing..how.come.i.dont.get.to.talk.to.him.like.everyone.else….be.treated.nicely.like.everyone.else….maybe.coz..there.is.no.love.period.
so.what.am.i.doing.to.myself?

how.come.i.juz.let.him.shout.at.me?treat.me.like.this?....for.how.long.am.i.gonna.hope…the.old.him.will.come.back?...maybe.this.is.the.real.him…..i.dont.know.man…i.dont.know.anything…

i.cldnt.stop.crying….”Dad”.woke.upp.and.saw.me.sitting.near.the.kitchen…and.sobbing.away…I.hate”dad”..for.the.way.he.treats.my.mom…i.hate.it.when.he.asks.me.why.i.am.crying…why.does.he.even.care…i.tell.him.to.go.aaway.and.he.gets.mad.and.yeells.at.me….so.wat.he.think…that.i.sleep.around.and.someone.cheated.me…that’s.why.i.am.crying…..wat.in.the.world….maybe.i.really.shld.do.that..to.show..him…how.is.he.ever.gona.understand.me….when.he.thinks.its.okie.to.do.wat.he.does.to.my.mom….how.is.he.ever.gona.understand.my.pain.

my.frens.are.calling…i.dont.wanna.talk..i.dont.wanna.let.them.hear.me.cry…bt.they.keep.calling.so.i.pick.up,..and.pretend…..they.know.i.have.been.crying….bt.i.say..nothing….they.get.mad.at.me….bt.i.still.wont.say….coz…then.they.mite.do.something…and.it.will.look.like.i.complained….bt.i.never.ever.thought.of.complaining….they.feel.i.am.hiding.things…bt.i.cant.do.anything.abt.it…

in.a.world.full.of.misery..where.i.pretend.to.be.normal.everyday…..what.is.even.the.point.of.living…

I.dont.feel.it...but.i.guess.i.am.not.suppose.to.

2009-07-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm
i.am.trying.to.balance.

like.to.get.used.to.
the.way.everything.is.
its.juz.that.i.dont.really.know.wat.it.is.

sometimes.i.feel.cared.for..sometimes.i.dont
sometimes.i.feel.loved...sometimes.i.dont

am.i.even.suppose.to.be.feeling.that.way?
i.dont.know.

if.words.are.expressions.of.it
then.why.isnt.the.rest?

hmm...maybe.i.shldnt.bother.abt.any.of.this
bt.i.dont.want.to.seem.like.i.am.not.putting.in.the.effort...
maybe.it.doesn.even.make.a.difference..that.i.do
maybe.thats.not.even.wanted.

sometimes..i.really.wish.to.see.him.over.the.weekend...like.even.it.is.for.thirty.mins
maybe.i.am.asking.for.too.much
maybe.he.doesn.have.to.coz..there.is.nothing.going.on.

sometimes.u.really.wish.u.know.wat.the.other.person.is.thinking...
it.really.will.make.alot.of.things.simplier.

maybe.
"One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me And your kiss wont make me weak"

bt.i.guess.in.the.world.full.of.maybes...
i.need.to.remain.sane
so.i.am.off.for.the.day
in.the.hope.of.having.all.the.maybes.disappear.

Afraid

2009-07-12T09:49:00.001-07:00

Suddenly I feel so afraid
Sometimes I dono if I am doing the right thing
Sometimes I dono wat he is feeling
Most of the times I wanna ask him
But I am afraid of the answer
But for how long can I be afraid?
Temporary happy-ness doesn do much
I shld have known now

How can I ever live without a peaceful mind?

I will ask him
I mean I will try to ask him
In about three weeks time.

The tiring past few days

2009-07-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday

I loved Thursday! Snow city and even that science centre was fun.
I kinda love going out on weekdays haha it makes me feel like a school kid
and I love travelling on the bus with him. For some reason it always make me feel like the good old times =)
And I love the photos we took
I cant stop looking at them! Lucky thing I got it though it was little exy. But memories are always worth it.
By the end of the day I was having a splitting headache but I was too happy to care.
And so I got home took panadol and slept
And he called =)
Though I never got to talk to him much I was happy just to hear him.
I think it was quite obvious coz my sissy woke me up and asked me why I was smiling in my sleep. Heeee

Friday

Friday was MAD. Really.

And my sister is really sweet. She asked me if I wanted the sardine spread and I said yeah I WANT if someone wld make it for me. And guess wat. She actually made it for me. And it was not as though I was working or anything. I was juz standing in front of the mirror for hours!
I was really touched by her =)

As I was going to office the IT guy called me and asked me to collect my new lappy
And when to the IT help desk he asked me for my old lappy to transfer the data to my new lappy and he said it wld take one hour! I had to be at the stat audit place at 10 so I decided to go without my lappy and I came by for lunch with lilian.

And later I was hungry again. Lilian was telling me our manager had cookies if I wanted some. But I told her I don’t want to go ask our manager for cookies and she said ….wait I will go get it for u. and she did. That was so sweet! =)

I went back to the IT helpdesk and they couldn’t transfer the data. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I had to be at another place at 3pm. Eventually by 2:45 they were done and I rushed to the other stat audit place. I got lost in Raffles place and decided to take a cab. The cabby was an Indian guy and he scolded me for being such a direction idiot . argh! Finally he got me to that address. And to find out it that my seniors gave me the WRONG address! How can my seniors make such a mistake!!!!! I manage to find the correct address and I walked to that place it was already 3:40pm and I had very little time to do so much. And stat audit lady wasn’t very nice. Hiaz. I somehow finished everything and carried like 3 bulks of photocopied papers to my office dumped them into my manager’s overnite cabinet and went off to meet my poly frens!

I really love meeting up with them. It makes me feel like 10 years younger all over again. I can’t believe 10 years pass by so fast!

We ate dinner at swensens and Holly ordered the “Mega burger” and it took more than 30 minutes to be made!!!! And the reason being the patty is too thick to be cooked so fast! So we cancelled the order and decided to find the place where cailin was performing. Bingo! We found her and waited for her and after that we went to drink! I was awfully sleepy by then bt still loved every minute of hanging out with them. When I reached home, I was hoping he will be awake still. He wasn’t so I went to bed. I missed him a lot.

Saturday

My sister woke me up and made me follow her and my mom to the john little sale at marina square at 9am! I went with them coz I wanted to spend more time with my family. We got the things my mom wanted and got home in the noon. I was so freaking tired but I had to meet the sinda people for games in the evening. The games were fun!!! I kinda love playing games! =) we went to tekka to eat dinner and after that siva came down saying that he wanted to follow me home. He did just that and when he got here .. he wanted to get some drinks from 7 11 and we sat down for a while talking though I baldy wanted to go home. Soon I started whining. I think sleepy-ness makes me a bad whiner.
I was hoping he will be awake.
He was! =)
But then he din really reply me much. He was prolly sleeping.
I missed him much.

Sunday
I had to go to office to do my work. I was tired already but I still dragged myself there.
And when I got there I started to have terrible cramps. Like real terrible ones
I din know wat to do. I had to finish my work. So I struggled through it
And then I saw his msg on msn. It kinda stung me. I wasn’t accusing him of not talking to me I was juz saying I missed him. The words he said on Monday nite came back to me. I really felt sad. Then I realized I shld not expect anything I shld just accept what I receive. But you know after Thursday’s closeness..Its weird to be so close one day and not so the other days. But yeah I can’t do anything about that I told myself. I should just accept what I get. I shld not speak about my feeling coz I don’t wanna whine or make him upset. Maybe Thursday was just an exception. I told myself not to bother him anymore though I am dying to. I coudnt take the pain anymore. I somehow managed to get home. Took some painkillers I wanted to share with him the pain but I somehow was afraid and just slept for a while. The pain is better now. I woke up for dinner and to do my work stuff. Still doing them now =(
Miss him but yeah I don’t dare call. I will sleep soon if he doesn relpy in a while. I hope hes alrite and everything is going fine for him.

Wats.wrong.with.me:(

2009-07-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

Damn.i.feel.like.calling.him..
i.miss.him.badly..and.wanna.hear.him.
i.will.give.anything.in.the.world.to.hear.him
bt.i.am.afraid.that.i.will.make.him.mad
besides.i.cant.reach.him.now

everyones.fighting.at.home...
its.getting.worser..day.by.day
i.hate.this.house...
why.cant.i.have.a.normal.house.with.a.normal.family
why.was.i.born.here.
there.is.no.love.and.noone.even.cares.

when.will.all.the.misery.end?

coz.i.cant.make.you.do.it.

2009-07-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

today.my.love.felt.very.humilated.

i.guess.
i.really.wanted.to.solve.all.the.problems..thats.why.i.kept.talking.to.u.abt.them
never.to.drain.you.of.ur.emotions

i.really.missed.you.and.wanted.to.hear.your.voice.
never.to.take.up.your.personal.space.

i.really.tot.it.was.only.rite.a.personal.replies.to.msges.and.msns
never.to.sound.so.whiny.till.u.i.made.u.sigh.all.the.time

i.really.tot.u.will.ever.make.me.cry.and.u.will.be.my.sweetest.and.the.nicest.thing.on.earth
never.tot.your.words.will.hurt.me.this.bad...when.it.smooothed.me.so.good.when.shankar.hurt.me.

despite.all.the.hurt.and.pain...i.always.came.back.to.you
coz...i.loved.every.bit.of.you.and.i.would.have.loved.you.forever.and.ever.much.more.than.myself
now.i.stand.apart.by.the.side.with.eyes.full.of.tears.
coz.i.cant.make.you.love.me.or.respect.me

Talking

2009-06-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

I miss talking.
You know not the normal usual nonsensical talking. But a heartfelt one. Like
Telling the person what happened in your life for that day for everyday
Like having the person be able to reach out to you and feel what you are saying
Like having someone there for you whenever you need the person
At first there was ash, and then élan and then him
Its strange.
These people are around somewhere but I can no longer talk to them
As a result I have grown quieter in any other aspects. I just keep silent and stone most of the time. I can feel myself going deeper into me.
I need to talk to someone
Will I find someone who will sit there and just listen to what I am saying? I hope I do . pretty soon before I drive myself crazy.

hiaz

2009-06-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

i.guess.its.this.kinda.things.that.really.shock.me
i.mean.for.a.person.to.have.time.for.you.once…when.he/she.had.so.many.things.on.his.plate…to.tell.u.i.have.got.work.to.do.all.the.time.now…kinda….i.donooo

i.mean.does.making.time.for.a.person.happen.only.at.the.start?
what.if.that.was.one.of.the.factors.that.i.really.like.a.person.for?and.the.person.no.longer.seems.to.do.it.anymore?maybe.coz.we.are.not.tog.anymore..so.he.doesn.have.to.do.it.anymore…or.he.doesn.feel.like.it.anymore?
maybe.i.am.asking.for.too.much….bt.can.ten.mins..out.of.24.hours….actually.4.days.be.reallly.too.much?
what.about.those.moments.that.i.really.really.need.the.person?.what.if.i.want.to.talk.heart.to.heart.talk.with.the.person?

woa…i.really.donoo.wat.i.shld.do

am.i.asking.for.too.much?
am.i.jumping.to.conclusions?
am.i.not.treated.right?
should.i.be.more.understanding….bt.i.understand

bt.a.few.messages…a.call.any.time.of.the.day…wont.take.much.rite…rite?

hiaz..i.guess.he.has.alot.of.things.on.hand…esp.since.he.is.leading.the.whole.thing….

i.hate.my.life.
i.hate.the.way.i.feel.
kill.my.love.
kill.me.
as.well.
please?

complicated

2009-06-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

suddenly i feel so down
well maybe not suddenly but yeah for sometime. it juz keeps fluctuating.

maybe i am not doing the right thing.
maybe i am forcing him.
i think love,time and consideration isnt suppose to be asked for
it shld be given. bt yeah so now i am utterly digusted with myself
i cant stop crying.

actually i dono wat i shld do. sometimes i really feel like moving away. like totally. u know the feeling not being welcomed juz kills. yet i cant bring myself away. so i keep coming back although it doesn make me totally happy...it makes me a bit happy.

but i dono i know things are changing. it cant be my imgination.
i know i know him lesser now...bt when i ask him abt stuff ..it becomes like i am questionng him
i know hes doesn really bother to make plans with me anymore...so shld i persist ...shld i juz keep quiet and go away.
i know sometimes he doesn tell me the truth...like its a feelng more than wat i know bt yeah its there.

hiaz life sucks big time!
initially it was no sweet nothing..then it became lesser calls....and today when i called ..he asked about wat i wanted to talk abt...bt its been days since i heard his voice so erm i juz wanted to hear it. ..i dono i felt like he needed a reason for me to call bt i din have any.

i really think the whole thing is so very sad.
like when i have feelings for him.he doesn have it anymore so our actions and reactions and emotions are not in sync
when he did have the feeling ... i tot i had them bt i din know i was not in love yet.....(maybe coz i din know wat love is) so our actions and reactions and emotions were not in sync then too. but i guess the fact that someone can fall out of love in you and care less about u hurts....esp when my mind keeps thinking if i am less important now...or if the things they do ..they juz do it when in love...

i really really wish now of it ever happened.. and we wld be normal frens and i wld have left sch and he wld have been a fren like the others. bt wishing doesn do anything. i shld have known it when i got that sms that day.

now i cant stop liking him neither can i be with him. the whole thing kills u know. like each day u live with ur emotions.... go through them all to know that at the end of the day u are empty. the empty feeling.
as though the empty feeling is not bad enuff...hearing his voice go like "why dont u hang out with ur frens....why do you want to know....hyio"....him being indifferent towards the whole thing and making me seem like a bother makes it worse...bt i guess i cant blame him...maybe this is how people who have broken up will behave...maybe i am juz abnormal...maybe coz i juz never lost the feeling.

in my heart.there is a huge layer of hurt and hate and lots of love. all mixed up. hurting like crazy. killing me.

why is everything so cruel. why did i ever ever fall in love? sometimes i juz dont want my life anymore.

maybe i need help. God.

life

2009-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today.something.within.me.died.again

i.din.think.i.could.possibily.die.again….i.did

something.is.amiss……really.wrong…

he.used.to.ask.me..do.u.know.how.it.feels.like.to.have.ur.trust.broken…i.always.used.to.shake.my.head.and.say…i.dont…noone.ever.did.it.that.to.me.

bt.of.late…i.can…i.can.feel.it….such.an.irony

i.still.remember.those.days..telling.my.frens..that.hes.the.best.i.can.ever.get…he.will.take.care.of.me..without.a.single.drop.of.tear..i.told.them….esp.that.day…the.lunch.walk.back.to.office…
i.never.knew.i.cld.cry.so.much….such.an.irony

i.never.felt.so.small,dirty.unimportant.disprected….like.my.as.though.my.self.worth.is.totally.gone….why.else.would.i.be.treated.this.way….

i.think.life.is.juz.a.misery….with.nothing….i..stand.there.totally.torn.burised.injured.torn.apart…

En Uyir Kadhale

2009-06-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

En Uyir Kadhale Ni Engu Poonaye ?Ni Illa Vaalkai Valikkithadi…!
Yen Muuchin Swasathil Ni Kalanthaayadi…Ni Ippo Kathrodhu Marainthuvidday…
En Thavara ? Anbe Un Thavara ?Yenthan Kadhalin Veethanai Puriyeleya?
Anbe En Thavara ? Anbe Un Thavara?Yen Ithaiyathai Therinju Yeen Noghadichai ?
En Uyir Kadhale Ni Engu Poonaye ?Ni Illa Vaalkai Valikkithadi…!
Yen Muuchin Swasathil Ni Kalanthaayadi…Ni Ippo Kathrodhu Marainthuvidday…
—————————————————–
Adi Kadhal Pichai Poodhu, Ennai Ni Vaale VaiOru Murai Sollu Ni En Kadhali Enru..
Adi Kadhal Pichai Poodhu, Ennai Ni Vaale VaiOru Murai Sollu Ni En Kadhali Enru..
Ennai Ni Paradi, Yenthan Kanneer ThuliIthai Parthu Ennai Konjam Sirikka Vay
Ennai Ni Paradi, Yenthan Kanneer ThuliIthai Parthu Ennai Konjam Sirikka Vay
——————————————————–
En Uyir Kadhale Ni Engu Poonaye ?Ni Illa Vaalkai Valikkithadi…!
Yen Muuchin Swasathil Ni Kalanthaayadi…Ni Ippo Kathrodhu Marainthuvidday…
———————————————————–
Adi Oruvarsham Unnai Pirinthu Naan VaalghinrenUnnai Ninaithu Dhinam Saaghigiren…
Adi Oruvarsham Unnai Pirinthu Naan VaalghinrenUnnai Ninaithu Dhinam Saaghigiren…
Adutha Yenmam Varai, Naan KathiruppenYen Kadhalukku Naan Pooradhuven…
Adutha Yenmam Varai, Naan KathiruppenYen Kadhalukku Naan Pooradhuven…———————————————————–
En Uyir Kadhale Ni Engu Poonaye ?Ni Illa Vaalkai Valikkithadi…!
Yen Muuchin Swasathil Ni Kalanthaayadi…Ni Ippo Kathrodhu Marainthuvidday…
En Thavara ? Anbe Un Thavara ?Yenthan Kadhalin Veethanai Puriyeleya?
Anbe En Thavara ? Anbe Un Thavara?Yen Ithaiyathai Therinju Yeen Noghadichai ?
En Uyir Kadhale Ni Engu Poonaye ?Ni Illa Vaalkai Valikkithadi…!
Yen Muuchin Swasathil Ni Kalanthaayadi…Ni Ippo Kathrodhu Marainthuvidday…

something.within.me.died.yest.nite

2009-06-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

something.within.me.died.yest.nite
That.words
That.hope
That.excitment

My freaking boring life

2009-05-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

Like seriously, everyday I go to work, go home, watch tv and sleep.
There is nothing to look forward nothing to do man.
I guess work as in real work (since I am doing nothing much at work nowadays) kept me busy and I realized work keeps me going…occupies me.
That sometimes I wish I can stay in the office till 8pm at least…(I know I sound like a sadist)
And really sometimes audit isn’t that bad I suppose. Its just the not knowing what to do freaks one most of the times.

I think I wanna migrate somewhere. I am really toying with the idea as I look at the EY Australia application form. I wanna do something different with my life. Its as though I have reached a stand still position in life. Like I suddenly stopped right there in my tracks. And nothing excites me anymore.

This year so far have been okie I guess. I went through my first peak….which I dint really feel was much of a peak…I am no longer with someone …I am tired of thinking about it anymore….even if its for the good or bad ..it makes no difference now…I cant do anything abt it…to deal with the difference..with the loss..with the hurt…with the pain. I thought I shld become a better person. Clean my room, run nearly every morning, increase my saving in the bank, call my frens and talk to them, meet up with them, be there for my mom, get proper skin care products, fix appointment for toe nails, fix appointment for jaw surgery, buy clothes. I did all of those…I mean the skincare I make it a point to apply and I am still running nearly every morning…but that’s done. Now what. I still don’t feel good.

Excite me life. Common.

2009-05-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday’s.conversation.made.some.sense…
Bt..i.wonder.now…should.we.have.expecations.about.ur.special.someone….
Coz.initally.i.did…and.thats.why.i.was.so.apprehensive.about.saying.those.threewords….
Because.i.wanted.to.say.it.a.special.someone….the.only.special.someone…
i.knew…there.were.so.many.things.between.us.that.wont.work.out…i.knew….
but.ur.constant.words.made.feel.like.everything.can.be.worked.out…everything….so.I.came.to.internalise.that…but.suddenly.one.fine.afternoon…i.was.told…it.cant.be..worked.out…..certain.things.cant.be.worked.out….maybe.thats.why.i.feel.very.helpless…wat.if.i.still.think.it.can.be.worked.out?

but.i.know...u.cant.force.people.to.work.things.out…u.cant.force.people.to.love…i.meant.love.in.the.romantic.sense….somethings.u.have.to.accept..i.realised…u.cant.do.anything.about….

and.if.i.really.had.a.defined.version.of.love…i.wldnt.have.loved.someone.whom…i.never.immediatly.saw.a.future.with…and.i.would.have.waited.for.the.guy.whom.i.ideally.wanted..coz..in.that.sense..wouldnt.it.be.more.likely.that.love.will.be.sucessful.till.the.end.coz..thats.wat.the.final.love.is.abt.rite…finding.the.more.approriate.person?...so.then….maybe.a.defined.love.is.a.less.hurtful.love?

dono..bt.as.i.realised..i.shouldnt.think.about.love…love.is.suppose.to.be.felt..and.not.thought.abt.i.guess…
.
Half.of.you.all.say..”wat.in.the.world.is.wrong.with.u..u.are.still.thikning.abt.that.hopeless.love?...the.love.that.never.had.a.future”…u.all.wld.say….…”u.are.hot.and.all..u.can.easily.get.someone.else”…i.know..i.can…bt.thats.not.the.point.my.dears….coz..thats.not.wat.i.think.love.is…that’s.not.wat.i.want.love.to.be..….

Who.knows.wat.is.right.and.wat.is.wrong..who.determines.them?

But.if.it.is.the.norm.to.love.many.people.and.get.hurt.and.eventually.find.the.rite.one..then.maybe.i.cant.change.the.norm…i.have.to.accept.it…and.become.part.of.it…..

i.hope.one.day.i.will.be.able.to.come.out.and.say…all.these.experiences.have.shaped.me.to.become.a.person..like.how.everyone.says…for.now..i.will.have.to.instill.the.conversation.yesterday….and.go.with.the.flow…I.have.to……coz.lifes.like.that.

dead

2009-05-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

for.the.first.time....she.drank....to.sleep.
coz.theres.no.point.anymore.
noone.understands.anything.
she.will.be.silent.from.now.on
not.a.disturbance.to.anyone.anymore.
she.will.handle.everything.within.her.in.her.own.space.

she.hopes.she.will.sleep.soon.

what.good.is.love?

2009-04-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

What good is love, that does not touch,
What good is love, that gives you pain.
What good is love, that makes you run,
And makes you lost out in the rain.

But what of hearts that beat as one,
And what of passion and embrace,
Is it too much to ask of you,
To make these tears of mine erase.

Too painful this - to journey back,
To times of love and laughter free,
The times we lay together withA sense of you , a sense of me.
So now, I journey on alone,
Forever wandering, in my thoughts,
And I shall ask you once again,What good is love.

welll.this.isnt.entirely.written.by.me.
i.saw.some.of.it.somewhere..juz.tot.it.makes.sense..

okie.i.am.off.to.bed.bloggy
goodnite.

hmmm

2009-04-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

something.tells.me.that.i.dont.deserve.this...

something.tells.me.that.it.takes.two.hands.to.clap

something.tells.me.not.to.trust...coz.i.shld.have.learnt.it.by.now.not.to

painful

2009-04-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

waiting is painful; leaving is painful
.remembering is painful; forgetting is painful.
holding on is painful; letting go is painful
.cherishing is painful; forsaking is painful.
hope is painful; hopelessness is painful.
want is painful; disinterest is painful
.love is painful; hate is painful.

not knowing what to do is the most painful.

Oru Kal Oru Kannadi

2009-04-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

I.love.this.song...

Oru kal oru kannadiUdayamal modhi kondal kaadhalOru sol sila mounangalPesamal pesi kondal kaadhalKangal irandil kaadhal vandhaal ohKanner mattum thunai aagume
Oru kal oru kannadiUdayamal modhi kondal kaadhalOru sol sila mounangalPesamal pesi kondal kaadhal
Thimirukku maru peyar needhaneyDhinam dhinam unnal irandheneyMarandhida mattum marandheney
Thee ena purindhum adi naaneyThirumbavum unai thoda vandheneyTherindhey sugamai erindheney
Kadum vizhathinai eduthu kudithalumAdi konjam neram kazhithey uyir pogumIndha kadhalile udaney uyir pogumKadhal endraal penne chitravadhai-thaan
Oru kal oru kannadiUdayamal modhi kondal kaadhalOru sol sila mounangalPesamal pesi kondal kaadhal
Un mugam parthey naan ezhuvenUn kural kettal naan arivenUn nizhal udaney naan varuven
Punnagai seidhaal uyir vaazhvenPurakanithaal naan ennavenPenne engey naan poven
Un udhatukkul irukkum oru vaarthaiSolli vittal thodangum en vaazhkaiMounathil irukkum enna varigalKaadhal endraal penne saadhal endru solla
Oru kal oru kannadiUdayamal modhi kondal kaadhalOru sol sila mounangalPesamal pesi kondal kaadhalKangal irandil kaadhal vandhaal ohKanner mattum thunai aagume
Oru kal oru kannadiUdayamal modhi kondal kaadhalOru sol sila mounangalPesamal pesi kondal kaadhal

pain

2009-03-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

wats..wrong.with.me?
a.year.back....i.never.tot..i.wil.be.anything.like.this...ever...
like.a.wreck....like.a.gone.case

looking.at.the.hp....looking.at.replies.for.msges.sent...looking.for.new.msges...looking.for.email.replies..
looking.for.msn.replies...every.single.possible.time.from.him

yearning.for.his.voice.

bt.i.need.to.understand..he.isnt.there.anymore....nomore....
bt..i.need....how?...bt.u.cant.disturb.him...u.know....he.has.his.own.life....his.own
yeah.put.that.on...u...everytime...u.need.him....u.use.it.that.thing..the.pain.will.be.there....it'll.teach.u...not.to.want.him
one.day.....u.will.no.longer.feel.the.physical.pain...then.maybe.u.wont.feel.the.heart.pain.as.well.
noones.there....the.pain.is.killing...killing.

2009-03-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hey
1Imiss.the.times.when.i.used.to.take.your.stuff.for.fun...and.we.how.we.always.met.in.the.library
2…….I.miss.the.times.when.i.always.bumped.into.you.in.school
3…….I.miss.the.times.when.u.used.to.wait.for.me.under.the.tuition.block..and.i.wld.look.at.the.clock.every.other.time.so.that.i.can.see.u.again.
4…….I.miss.the.times.when.u.would.cook.for.me.and.how.you.even.packed.drinks.and.cups.
5…….I.miss.the.times..when.u.gave.me.all.those.cards.that.i.never.was.able.to.comprehend.but.i.tot.they.were.sweetest.
6…….I.miss.the.times.u.would.gave.me.flowers…though.i.always.scolded.u.for.it….i.loved.it.like.crazy.
.I.miss.the.times.when.u.gave.me.radom.stuff…like.the.heart.shaped.clock,ManUbox..the.SMU.tag
I.miss.the.ASOC.day.dinner…the.only.event.that.we.attended.tog…and.how.we.played.the.game.on.,stage.
9……i.miss.the.times.when.u.used.to.come.shopping.with.me…for.sarees,for.clothes,for.parties..that.was.really.sweet
…….I.miss.the.times.when.u.used.to.call.me.names..like.arrogant,shy,princess……

They.all.seems.years.ago…hiazz…i..miss………

its that time. again

2009-03-28T01:02:00.001-07:00

hi! i am back here...back to square 1...this time juz so much deeper. so much

everything juz keeps flashing in mind. i cant seem to get over anything

it all seems so surreal.
so hurtful...i guess i have overused the word by now.
I will talk to you bloggy....maybe u'll make me feel beta...maybe u'll understand me...maybe u'll listen to what i am sayin.

trust.
i betrayed him coz at one point in time, i considered what my frens told me ... told him wat my frens told....maybe i did that to seek assurance....maybe to let him know wat cld happen..hmm

but in the end i overcame it and trusted him....

then he says its too late.

but actually i shld feel betrayed...i kinda do. coz i trusted his words every other time. in the car, at the house...every other time...but none of it came true...didn't i trust...wasnt i lead down totally? how can someone who places so much importance on trust ... let another person down?

then again he thinks i am saying to have the last word... but wat if i really meant it?

but you know wats worse...coz i still trust watever he says...

why do i keep crying like a total gone case...i guess its the internal pain...that leaks out at the slightest probing. ...maybe its coz i seek comfort from him but i cant seem to feel it....maybe hes trying to cover up his feeling...but being told "why is hair messy" "i need to send u for makeup courses" and "hey check out that chick" juz messes me up further i suppose. bt then again it mite be my fault...i dono man....maybe i am being overly sensitive...but but but whereas wil i find comfort? to talk about everything freely? bt i try to forget everything and act normal..although there are many things, feeling running all over my head.

but u know sometimes u will reach a limit when u can no longer talk to a person abt something coz it becomes so dead a topic....its like that....maybe we talked abt too much already....bt i feel ass though only i have been talking abt it....

i wanna run away. away to a faraway land.

Cure me

2009-02-16T01:37:00.000-08:00

The pain is immense
The reasons I don’t understand
One minute you speak like nothings wrong
The next minute u are all cold and act like nothings around

I long for the day
We can hold hands and walk by the beach
I long for the day
We can go trekking, shopping, dancing and go home with a peck on the cheek
I long for the day
We can laugh and smile for at least a month without the bitter pained feeling appearing every other week
I long for the day
I won’t make u angry for the slightest things or not say all the wrong things

i am tired

2008-11-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

I am tired.

Of trying to make things work.

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore

For which you never explained the reason to me since the beginning of this year

But I think you should at least call back when you receive calls.

If you are busy, it’s perfectly understandable but I don’t see why you can call priya many many times even when you know I am right there beside her yet totally ignore me. And you know yesterday wasn’t the first time.

I am tired of trying to understand what went wrong.

And you seem the least bothered about how I feel about the whole issue, the least bothered about how an open talk would be make me a lot better.

Last year when we were still friends, I tot you will be around for the longest time…that’s how you talked about it as well.

But suddenly strange things will happen and you will disappear and you can reason it as I always disappear from people’s live but to me… I don’t rationalize that.

Nobody likes a forced friendship therefore whatever do what you want and I shall just go on like you don’t exist. ©

I don’t know wats wrong with you. Always telling me to be careful as though I am with the worst criminal in the world.

Always making fun of him….as though I should only be with a model.

Always denying whatever I wanted to talk to you about….so what’s happening? Whos telling me the truth?

How come my idea of my person being frens with my frens is so difficult?

Why isn’t he invited like all the other bf’s?

I am tired of reconciling the difference as well and I don’t like it when you guys make fun of him….I know I always have been image conscious and he mite not fit into your worlds of nice clothes and coolness but how come his nice-ness doesn matter?

So wat if hes younger how do u all know he will leave me? Coz he doesn tell this to his parents….wat if they are already other issues….so what do u all want me to do?
Find a perfect person whos cool, trendy and ready for marriage? ©

I dono wat you are so mad about.

The fact that I din answer your calls for that few minutes?

How about I wasn’t in the state to answer it? How about my head was aching and I feel vommitish and I just wanted to get home first.

What’s wrong if I drank a few glasses instead of a few sips? Why should I always drink a few sips?

Why is it always about how I am making you feel? Why can’t I just do what I want to do for a day?

Why am not responsible if I was sad for one day and I din feel like sleeping ….and I badly wanted to talk?

There was no one to talk to yesterday.

So I spoke to a stranger. It made me feel good because I needed a friend like the ones I had till last year. ©

Now I got to know my senior is resigning as of next Friday and I thought I can many things from her and I really loved her L ©

sulky,

2008-10-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

is being missed very very muchie!

sulky

2008-09-19T01:28:00.001-07:00

is being missed.