complicated

suddenly i feel so down
well maybe not suddenly but yeah for sometime. it juz keeps fluctuating.

maybe i am not doing the right thing.
maybe i am forcing him.
i think love,time and consideration isnt suppose to be asked for
it shld be given. bt yeah so now i am utterly digusted with myself
i cant stop crying.

actually i dono wat i shld do. sometimes i really feel like moving away. like totally. u know the feeling not being welcomed juz kills. yet i cant bring myself away. so i keep coming back although it doesn make me totally happy...it makes me a bit happy.

but i dono i know things are changing. it cant be my imgination.
i know i know him lesser now...bt when i ask him abt stuff ..it becomes like i am questionng him
i know hes doesn really bother to make plans with me anymore...so shld i persist ...shld i juz keep quiet and go away.
i know sometimes he doesn tell me the truth...like its a feelng more than wat i know bt yeah its there.

hiaz life sucks big time!
initially it was no sweet nothing..then it became lesser calls....and today when i called ..he asked about wat i wanted to talk abt...bt its been days since i heard his voice so erm i juz wanted to hear it. ..i dono i felt like he needed a reason for me to call bt i din have any.

i really think the whole thing is so very sad.
like when i have feelings for him.he doesn have it anymore so our actions and reactions and emotions are not in sync
when he did have the feeling ... i tot i had them bt i din know i was not in love yet.....(maybe coz i din know wat love is) so our actions and reactions and emotions were not in sync then too. but i guess the fact that someone can fall out of love in you and care less about u hurts....esp when my mind keeps thinking if i am less important now...or if the things they do ..they juz do it when in love...

i really really wish now of it ever happened.. and we wld be normal frens and i wld have left sch and he wld have been a fren like the others. bt wishing doesn do anything. i shld have known it when i got that sms that day.

now i cant stop liking him neither can i be with him. the whole thing kills u know. like each day u live with ur emotions.... go through them all to know that at the end of the day u are empty. the empty feeling.
as though the empty feeling is not bad enuff...hearing his voice go like "why dont u hang out with ur frens....why do you want to know....hyio"....him being indifferent towards the whole thing and making me seem like a bother makes it worse...bt i guess i cant blame him...maybe this is how people who have broken up will behave...maybe i am juz abnormal...maybe coz i juz never lost the feeling.

in my heart.there is a huge layer of hurt and hate and lots of love. all mixed up. hurting like crazy. killing me.

why is everything so cruel. why did i ever ever fall in love? sometimes i juz dont want my life anymore.

maybe i need help. God.