Lonely

I am so lonely.

I have occupied myself so crazily over the months. Almost every other minute with other stuff. So that I wont think about my hurt.

But I dono why do I still go to bed crying everyday and waking up crying every single day.

There are so many people around me but I still feel so lonely.

Lonely in a crowd. That’s almost like an oxy-moron.
Now that my family have gone to india.
Even the crowd at home is gone.
It feels even worse now.
Coz now I don’t have hide my tears.
I can just cry all the time without anyone asking me why.
That’s exactly what I have been doing.
The insides of me feel damn empty and sore.

Why am I such a loser?

Clown.

On another note.
A lot of friends and groups ..i have gotten close to as a result of my lonely-ness have told me that I am so easy to get close to and I make them feel real comfortable when they are new to the group.

A lot of groups have told me that I am such a happy person that I make the groups laugh all the time and I am such a damn fun person to have around in groups.

That just reminds me of a clown. Haha coz they have no idea how I am feeling on the inside.
I guess a clown is like that.

Nobody knows how he is feeling but all they see is the jokes and acts that he does.
But then again I don’t want them to know how I am feeling on the inside.
At least I am making them happy.

Hurt.

Actually I am tired of dealing with my hurt.
I dono what am I suppose to do anymore.
I dono how it was suppose to be.
One month after the parting..i was suppose to be back to my normal self? How come I can’t ?
Then how do I get rid of the hurt?
How come it never went away?
Am I supposed to have buried it within me? Or forgotten about it?
How come I can’t?
Then I try to think why am I hurt?
I guess it’s the whole thing. Like for the first 12 months he showed endless love….then the next eight months when I realized I loved him more than myself I wanted to salvage the situation but I got HURT a lot. Seriously. And then he killed me totally by disappearing.
Like the times he told me “I am happy that I can finally go starry nite”- like I always prevented him from going…..i still remember the moment when he told me the sentence I was in the train at semei . I dono I never told him not to go although I din wanna go ..he could still have gone.
Maybe it was my fault. Coz I always wanted him to be somebody he wasn’t.
Don’t smoke, dun unbutton your shirt, wear nice clothes, loose weight, don’t use vulgarities was all I told him….i mean I just meant it out of goodwill …I never intended to make him into someone he wasn’t in terms of the things that he wanted to do or be. Well I guess I will never do that to anyone now.
Then there were other kinds of hurt....many sentences that he spoke at many instances that always caused a sharp pain in me during the eight months….but I tot that was love…coz at least I was still happy.
Then he woke up ..one fine day and decided that we should part.
That killed me entirely.
And I am still mourning the death of my heart.
Like a body without a soul I am roaming around.
I guess its no longer about being with him anymore. Coz there is really no point wanting to be with a person who does not love you.
I guess its more of the way he left.
And what was to me as a person ..How highly I regarded him. Coz he really meant something to me as a person.
And how he could just walk away from all that and disappear from my life. Just as how he came into my life.
Like how badly disturbed I was when elan walked away from my life….this is worse off.
How could he do that knowing how disturbed I was in the past for having people walked away from my life?
Maybe when you love a person everything matters and when you don’t ..nothing matters? But what abt the basic form of love even though it’s a romantic one….i always to the was nice as a person …..i din think he was nice to me cause of something….
How can walking away make things ANY easier?
Well not for me…maybe for him
If only memories could be erased or I could get around them someway.

Stop crying my heart.

Stop crying my heart.
Stop crying.
He wanted to part and he parted.
There is nothing you can do about it.
You can cry for days, months but nothing is going to change.
You can feel the unfairness of the whole thing
But whoever said anything was fair?
I know
The hurtful moments and words keep flashing in your mind.
The pain is stinging your whole body
The dent in your heart
But remember there is nothing you can do about it.
Bear and grin.
At least try.
Maybe a lot harder.
Not only in public, in private as well.
Please heart.

Have you ever...

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away
Though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just want to change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you seeThat's the way I feel about you and me
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know'Cos I loved and lost the day I let you go

Can't help but think that this is wrong
We should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I finally realise
It was forever that I foundI'd give it all to change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see
That's the way I feel about you and me, baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be takingI should know (I should know)
'Cos I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really want to hear you say
That you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away
Can't you seeI know the moment's gone
I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round

Tell meHave you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see (Oh)That's the way I feel about you and me, baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Looking down the road you should be takingI should know (I should know)'Cos I loved and lost the day I letYes I loved and lost the day I letYes I loved and lost the day I let you go

i heard this song over the radio....and i kinda relate to it...well not exactly
coz the hurt lingers and how everything was exited so abruptly and how it was forced to become like it never existed before.
i feel anger, hurt and disappointment more than anything else....so yeah
bt still this song is nice on the ears...

Bitter pain

In the last two months I have been perpetually unhappy because of you know...
In the last two months I also have realized a lot of things. I did quite no of things that I would have ever done. I mean they are more for the good than the bad. Except the excessive drinking.
One of what I realized is:
I realized.
He wanted me then cause I made him happy (you know all the just looking at you and talking to you makes me so happy etc)
He no longer wanted me cause I made him unhappy (you know that parting MSG that he sent….how he never wanted to talk about things,the times he told me I made him so irritated over the phone…the times when he spoke like I was the past, the times he said I din let him do wat he wanted, that two nites he din even bother to msg me or pick up my numerous calls when I was dying to know if he was alright etc – all which of coz I feel that we never spoke about …I wish we did but yeah that does not matter I guess)
So do I really want him to be blaming for not staying coz anyways even If he stayed he will be unhappy.
The answer is no.
When he wanted to be seen with me he wanted pictures of him and me up (that he asked me often how come I am not putting pictures of us up)
When he din want to be seen with me, he din want pictures of us up at all (that he came with the things like how he din like to be photographed…and that I shld understand and it stressful when I asked him about it….oh common look at the no of pictures and who would believe he does not like to photographed? And how he refused to take pictures with me yet he will take pics with others)
When he was so into you…he will spend all his time with you….accompanying you everywhere even when you would have like him to rest
When he is no longer that into you…you will have to keep asking him to be with you…and suddenly everyone else will be so important than you
So its simple. Really.
It just hurts badly. Really badly that I will never forget those hurtful moments and all the after effect suffering I went through and am going through
I guess it damn unfair coz there are a lot of other things involved except the simple unfair logic (like my feeling, my development towards him, him being my closest fren and confident, me trusting him)
But love is not to be rationalized, someone told me recently….you can’t rationalize love. It is about feeling.
I hate that sentence cause I personally think love Is about responsibility. How can love be about one person’s feeling when there is another party involved? (anything that does not only involve you alone becomes a responsibility …the responsibility to care).
But who cares about that right?
Cause many people abide by that.
Anyways yeah I was not suppose to rationalize
I just have to repeat this to myself
He wanted me cause I made him happy
He no longer wanted me cause I made him unhappy
So do I really want him to be blaming for not staying coz anyways even If he stayed he will be unhappy.
The answer is no.

seriously

seriously i think i need to get a life.

its been two months ..yet i am like still depressed.

i dont even know why...if i cld control myself i wld heck it....

coz there is nothing i can do abt it. i cant help my hurt...i cant help the situation. yeah i can feel like hes being damn unfair...but so wat ...nothing changes. i am still hurt

its feeling you know there is no point feeling it..yet you feel it and you still cant do anything about it.

i wonder why people enter into other people's life and leave and make it so difficult.
i hate what he did to me. argh.

i need to get away from all this . i dono how also. damn.
damn

happenings

This week I am in the office with nothing much to do. A lot of seniors went up to my manager to take me out….but she always told them she has got important things for me. HAHA and all I have been doing these two days is to help her plan the whole team’s dinner on Friday. Which is actually I kinda fun. One day I shall get myself into event management. For now I shall just slack and meet my old frens for lunch since I am at the office. I am starting to like my manager…I mean she is still the mean person but I guess the longer I am with someone I naturally tend to be appreciate for who they are…so I think shes quite perfect now. =) and I never want to leave her.
A lot of people who I ran into at office (those I have not seen for some time) are alarmed at my weight loss. Its almost embarrassing when they grab and ask me what happened to me. Actually I am kinda worried about my own weight loss. I can see my own ribcage. Hiaz but I can’t do anything about ….my appetite was never great by itself so when I am depressed…its so much worse.
A lot of people have been complimenting and flirting …including the French senior who keeps asking me out. Hmm I am kinda surprised. When I was with you know who, he always told me I was pretty but I thought he was saying coz he had to or that’s what guys tell gals they are with. And I always brushed off any other attention I got from anyone else. But now since I am not with anyone I am still very adverse to this kinda attention. … compliments and everything…its suprising, its pleasant but I think they are just lies…people offering me lifts and buying lunch and offering to accompany me to places…how long are you all gonna last? A few months? Someday you will hate me and none of this will be done..then what is even the point? I have to suffer then....like how i am doing right now. Because when you are used to the love and its gets ripped away from you..the pain Is just too terrible. So just stay away people. I am done with you all. You guys prolly think I am the sweet little thing …but I guess I will turn nasty and arrogant sometime so yeah better stay away from me. Plus I can’t bring myself to love another person…no matter how much he has hurt me.
I just wanna be alone. Go home. Watch movies and sleep. In my silent silent world…I can cry…I can whine …I can do anything without pretending to be happy and cheerful. Cause its tiring to do so. Okay I am going home now.

=(

Why wont the down feeling go away?
Why do I feel like crap all the time?
Argh.
=(