Screwed

I am back from the meet up.
I was scared to go for it.
Cause I know going for it means it ending it although he already decided that on Monday.
I dono I thought I will get answers.
As to why he behaved like that on Sunday and Monday but I got none
As to why he never told me about the way he felt till last Monday and why he kept quiet all the time but I got none.
As to why he never bothered to initiate a meet up after that message. It just broke my heart to know that he was busying attending events when a few hours of time could have made a world of a difference to me.
Everything just came to “I don’t know” or “I need to pick myself up” which was somehow related to me being with him.
It doesn make sense to me. It seems like a strange reason.
I dono to feel anger that he screwed my life up or to feel scared for him coz hes lost.
Damn why did he come into my life
Why did I ever ever love him.
How am I going to survive?
Why am I suffering so much more coz he is lost?
He says he never lets anything affect his life but he affected everything of my life.
How can he say he loves me yet cause so much of pain to me? He says heart breaks are like that. But that does not justify anything.
It so painful that I am moving away from the guy I loved for a reason that I don’t know.
I need death.