I have been thinking and weeping a lot this week. Again. Argh!

I don’t know why.
I cant seem to put the past behind me. Its going to be two months.
I feel a perpetual misery within me. Like I am just moving around with the misery everywhere I go.

Maybe it is cause..i never things on my mind that was so disturbing that I cant live with this.
I still am in shock. I don’t know why I am like this. Really.
I still sit in wonder and cry myself to sleep every day as I rethink the whole thing.

Maybe coz its my first love that I was so emotionally and physically attached to.

Maybe coz it was at the peak point of my love for him. Like when I reached the ultimate stage of love that he left me. When I loved everything about him.

Maybe coz I cant even believe that he left me. Coz he was the one who always accused me of leaving him one day…coz he was the one who said he loved me so much.

Maybe its coz I just believed everything he said. Now to think about it…he was just a 22 year old talking about marriage…what was doing? Why in the world was I taken in by that? But then again I never ever thought like that. I ever even considered that he was saying things he never meant. I thought about so many other things but no this at all.Maybe I should have.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was so nice….that he wld never inflict so much of pain in me.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was such a people person that I never thought he wld sms me and then disappear from my life and not reply anything or leave me with so much of pain or even not talk about it all along when we could have…all those months. How can a person be allowed to keep everything within himself and just make a sole decision to leave another…although it involves two people…two hearts.

Maybe I coz I held on to every word he said….that I forgot he love I cant hold people to their words.

Maybe its coz initially I was so afraid it wldnt work out that I was so hesitant to get close but eventually I was so taken in by him…so drawn into him...that I never expected to be thrown out just like that. Am I to think that…I was right from the start…maybe gut feeling and instincts do work…..but its too late. I am too hurt to sit and smile to myself that I was right all along.

Maybe its coz though things were not perfect these months…I still felt loved by the things he said and did then I never expected to make a sudden decision like this.
So here I am. Letting each day pass by me. Although I know that there is no point thinking about all these, I still do coz how else do I survive my days? I hope today passes by and I wldnt cry.