This past week has been terrible
For some stupid reason I miss him like crazy. I keep having him in dreams when I am sleeping. I keep thinking about him even in the day time so much so that tears start streaming down my cheeks even in public places. Damn.
I really could not take it. So I decided to go to Labrador park on Friday…I don’t know why I did that. Really. Coz that was one of the last places we were hanging out and we took so much of pics there…I could not even bring myself to step on the area where the water was….coz that’s where he was taking pictures. Of me, of a couple who were trying to take pictures, of us. I just stood there and cried. Painful. Now to think I don’t even know if he loved when we went there that time. Maybe in his mind he was already formulating the breakup whereas I was totally crazy about him.
Recently my school teacher caught me crying on my way home in the feeder service. I mean I haven spoken to her for ages neither did I know that she stayed anywhere near tampines. But I always remembered what she told us once. We were about 10 in our science class…where we kids would pair kids in our class as couples and say “he loves her” or “she loves him” and she got angry one day and asked us if we know what is true love? And she said love is “even when a person you love had a an accident and he is totally disfigured and can’t do a single thing….you loving like never before is true love”
I always remembered that. I always used it as a reality check to see if I really love someone. So I cried to her…that my true love is gone and I don’t know why. I told her everything from the time I made stupid mistakes to the time I loved him like crazy and I told her I can’t forget my love. I told her how I cannot look at her person in a few months and tell him/her that I love the person cause my love always takes time to develop. I need to know if I will stay with the person through anything like really. I need time and when I say it I truly mean it with my all my life and will never leave him. And not just say things which does not materialize like what he did. He claimed his love was true. He said so many things. But he left. How can your love be true if you leave a person? Coz I hurt him he says….but I am sorry ..i really dint know I was hurting him that bad..now that I know…I really made sure I din and wanted to give him all my love…but come when he knew that he was hurting me for the past eight months…he just left hurting me forever? How come my mistakes are unforgiveable? Isn’t it human to err and most importantly to realize your mistakes?
I told her I don’t know what went wrong. Is it cause I took too long to fall totally in love? Is it cause my past mistakes are unforgiveable? I don’t know.
And sometimes I really feel down. I can’t help it even my family isn’t perfect. If we don’t go to the temple. I can still hear his snigger …oh you don’t go to temples…..what am I suppose to do…maybe my mum thinks survival is more important than temples. And my dad will never step into a temple…is that my fault? I never said I don’t believe in going to temple. I can only be responsible for what I can control ..I told her…. I only haf myself to offer.
He says it depends on how you look at things…you can think back of the sweet memories. Yeah and be happy that my love is destroyed right. Nice..eh… I guess its way you look at things…for you chasing someone and then leaving someone can be a norm…for you to look back and think of it as memories..but for me it is not. So yeah. For you to leave someone there full of pain who would not even had the pain if not for you…but for me it is not.
I told her I feel very lost and destroyed. And she told me…never to forget the meaning of true love….and it is okay to take time to tell someone you love them because love is a serious thing..if you take time…it prolly means that my love isn’t superficial and not based on appearances but truly for what the person is …and that it okay to make mistakes as long as you realize them and that I can only control things that I can control. She told me I can still love him…to prove my love is true.
She din tell me my definition of love was stupid…she dint tell me there was no such thing as love….she din tell me not to waste my time like everyone else told me. She made me feel better…tiny weeny better.
And she said she is still proud of me as ever. Nearly fifteen years has passed. She said she saw the same innocence. The same purity.
She said god will be on my side and good things will happen.
But I don’t know….i think the world is a screwed up places and the people in it are making it worse off. Even people whom I wholly thought were angels.
recently...i.was.clearing.my.destop...and.i.saw.this.letter..by.him....in.reply.to.the.nonsensical.letter.i.sent.to.him
I, ........y
(1) Agree that ...... is gorgeous, and it makes my day to just talk to her or see her the least bit. Buzz off if she thinks I expect anything. I do not care. She just makes my day.
and.now...he.doesn.want.to.talk.to.me.or.even.see.me...wat.a.joke...
maybe.we.shldnt.trust.guys.who.say.this.kinda.thing...
god.help.me..please
I really could not take it. So I decided to go to Labrador park on Friday…I don’t know why I did that. Really. Coz that was one of the last places we were hanging out and we took so much of pics there…I could not even bring myself to step on the area where the water was….coz that’s where he was taking pictures. Of me, of a couple who were trying to take pictures, of us. I just stood there and cried. Painful. Now to think I don’t even know if he loved when we went there that time. Maybe in his mind he was already formulating the breakup whereas I was totally crazy about him.
Recently my school teacher caught me crying on my way home in the feeder service. I mean I haven spoken to her for ages neither did I know that she stayed anywhere near tampines. But I always remembered what she told us once. We were about 10 in our science class…where we kids would pair kids in our class as couples and say “he loves her” or “she loves him” and she got angry one day and asked us if we know what is true love? And she said love is “even when a person you love had a an accident and he is totally disfigured and can’t do a single thing….you loving like never before is true love”
I always remembered that. I always used it as a reality check to see if I really love someone. So I cried to her…that my true love is gone and I don’t know why. I told her everything from the time I made stupid mistakes to the time I loved him like crazy and I told her I can’t forget my love. I told her how I cannot look at her person in a few months and tell him/her that I love the person cause my love always takes time to develop. I need to know if I will stay with the person through anything like really. I need time and when I say it I truly mean it with my all my life and will never leave him. And not just say things which does not materialize like what he did. He claimed his love was true. He said so many things. But he left. How can your love be true if you leave a person? Coz I hurt him he says….but I am sorry ..i really dint know I was hurting him that bad..now that I know…I really made sure I din and wanted to give him all my love…but come when he knew that he was hurting me for the past eight months…he just left hurting me forever? How come my mistakes are unforgiveable? Isn’t it human to err and most importantly to realize your mistakes?
I told her I don’t know what went wrong. Is it cause I took too long to fall totally in love? Is it cause my past mistakes are unforgiveable? I don’t know.
And sometimes I really feel down. I can’t help it even my family isn’t perfect. If we don’t go to the temple. I can still hear his snigger …oh you don’t go to temples…..what am I suppose to do…maybe my mum thinks survival is more important than temples. And my dad will never step into a temple…is that my fault? I never said I don’t believe in going to temple. I can only be responsible for what I can control ..I told her…. I only haf myself to offer.
He says it depends on how you look at things…you can think back of the sweet memories. Yeah and be happy that my love is destroyed right. Nice..eh… I guess its way you look at things…for you chasing someone and then leaving someone can be a norm…for you to look back and think of it as memories..but for me it is not. So yeah. For you to leave someone there full of pain who would not even had the pain if not for you…but for me it is not.
I told her I feel very lost and destroyed. And she told me…never to forget the meaning of true love….and it is okay to take time to tell someone you love them because love is a serious thing..if you take time…it prolly means that my love isn’t superficial and not based on appearances but truly for what the person is …and that it okay to make mistakes as long as you realize them and that I can only control things that I can control. She told me I can still love him…to prove my love is true.
She din tell me my definition of love was stupid…she dint tell me there was no such thing as love….she din tell me not to waste my time like everyone else told me. She made me feel better…tiny weeny better.
And she said she is still proud of me as ever. Nearly fifteen years has passed. She said she saw the same innocence. The same purity.
She said god will be on my side and good things will happen.
But I don’t know….i think the world is a screwed up places and the people in it are making it worse off. Even people whom I wholly thought were angels.
recently...i.was.clearing.my.destop...and.i.saw.this.letter..by.him....in.reply.to.the.nonsensical.letter.i.sent.to.him
I, ........y
(1) Agree that ...... is gorgeous, and it makes my day to just talk to her or see her the least bit. Buzz off if she thinks I expect anything. I do not care. She just makes my day.
and.now...he.doesn.want.to.talk.to.me.or.even.see.me...wat.a.joke...
maybe.we.shldnt.trust.guys.who.say.this.kinda.thing...
god.help.me..please
posted by Jey at 2:45 AM
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