tell me what i did and i will tell you why i did it

hey I wanna tell you so badly that i dont want to come on sat...coz i no longer feel comfortable with him around as much i love hanging out with you guys. That’s prolly why I don’t really put in much effort in the planning or anything. Both the east coast and anu's birthday gathering was kinda painful on me coz of the way things were going, i still came coz i thought things will change and i love hanging out with you all.

seriously i dono wat i did....tell me what i did and i will tell u why i did it. it seems alittle not probable that you arent talking to me coz i dont listen to you and you think I am leading him on. which i am not anyways. I wish you would talk to me about it. but you wont. so i am juz talking to this blog. i have got a few thoughts in me which keeps coming back and yeah i dont have answers for any of them....

1) do you really think its fair to shut me off from your life after what we were for about a year and half/2 yrs? juz by saying you arent comfortable anymore? dont u think i deserve a little better? a greater detailed explanation the very least?

2) do you really think i am juz gona sit down and wait till time passes? Wont I worry and ponder about what happened every single day? Remember how mad u got when I dint tell u about something that I was upset about? Imagine how I would feel now.

3) Every time I try to call you or talk to you, you don’t sound the same any longer. I feel as though I am disturbing you. For that very reason I pick the phone and almost dial your number 5 times daily but only dared to call u the very few times I did. I just get the feeling of me having borrowed millions of dollars from you and not returned to you and you giving me the cold shoulder

4) I also dono where I stand now. So what am i? a friend? An acquaintance? I mean you said frens were to share everything, the joys and the sad stuff and not just the joys. But now you are not even letting me share your joys. I don’t really like the uncertainty. You know I hated it. Its really fine if you want me out of your life…actually its not but then at least that way I will know something for sure….now I don’t at all.

5) and I also dono what I should do now. Try talking to you? Leave you as it is? Give you time? How long more?


The whole thing is kind of very hurtful but I don’t want to be a brat by keep making her talk to you about or whining about it esp when things aren’t exactly right for her... So yeah. I will just live with it or at least I will try… but I dono wat joy u derive by doing this to me.

I hate what you do to me

I hate what you do to me

I hate saying no to you yet secretly hope that you will appear somewhere somehow

I hate having to see someone’s name on my inbox when I hear the sms tone of my handphone

I hate not being able to tell you how much I miss you

I hate not being able to run up to you and give u a big hug when I catch you waiting under my block

I hate saying bye to you at the end of phone conversations and waiting anxiously for your next one

I hate not being able to tell you any of these

For I fear,

I fear one day you will not be near me

I fear your folks will find out one day and they’ll be unhappy and you’ll be unhappy

I fear my folks will say no coz you are younger and coz u smoke

I fear the disappointed tears in my mum’s eyes when she sees the pictures the PI will take

I fear hurting another friend that I don’t even dare put this blog entry up.

I hate what you do to me

i write. again.

Its been some time since i wrote a blog entry, its been some time since i need to write a blog entry.
Life has been yeah kinda different. things are on my mind.

a close pal. a very close one. i dont know wat's wrong dude. seriously. The day this clears up i will feel so much better coz its not nice to feel the way i am feeling. really. Its been days, weeks, months since i talked to u and i really miss that. i miss being able to tell you everything not fearing wat you will think or say. i miss all the stupid comments you used to say and the way you made me laugh. i miss going shopping with ya as much as you never liked anything that i liked. i miss hanging out with u and talking for hours and having pizza at that place where u ordered the seafood pizza which came with all those digusting shells. I miss being able to call you at any time and talk nonsense, its been long that for some strange reasons u feel like a stranger... I really treasure u dude. I tot we will be frens that close forever. I tot our kids can be that close frens. i dono if you ever will speak to me the same. i dono if i will ever know wats wrong. but i wana thank you for everything u ever did for me dude.

for showing me how close frens can get, how much they can care
for being there all the time when i crying over someone so silly, for bringing me out of it
for trusting me all the way....even when i lied, even when they all knew i was lying, even when u finally accepted i that lied, you still stood there for me, trying to save me.
for wanting to prove them wrong, for smoking that so many ciggies that day and nite, for not sleeping that nite coz you were wondering where i was, for not going for the sch meeting that day, for speaking to him so that he wont scold me, for coming down that day so that i wont get hurt or that he wont hit me.
for laughing up abt wat a terrible lier i make instead of blowing up for what I made you go thru
for doing up my birthday just the way I wanted it , for doing it up as grandly as he was doing for her so that I wont feel left out.
for spending so much and doing so much planning so much that you din have any money left to take the bus to tuition when I was happily in Malaysia
for taking me out for dinner and walking me home though I was sooo bratty that nite
for telling me that I was special, that I was worth it, that I made a difference to u.
for all the blue flowers you got me coz I told u I have never gotten a flower from someone who meant something to me
for spending all those phone bills on me
for sharing your last dollar with me when we both were so broke

and so many more.


I miss u dude. I will do anything for u. almost anything in the world.

Another fren. I am glad we are closer as frens now dude. You are the one thing that remained constant in my life. For the four years. You make a great fren. The number of time you call me just to keep in touch, just to make me talk to you. Last year was kind of a tough year for me and you but we got over that. I hope we are frens forever dude. I am sorry for making you worry about me, I am sorry that I ignored you and refused to speak when I was troubled that once. We aren’t as close as wat we used to be. But to know that you are here, to know that I talk to everyday, to know that I will attend your yearly company functions, to know that I am one of yr closest gal pals, to know that I can call u when I am troubled makes me happy dude. It really does.


I have got more to write but I lost my thoughts. I am going to figure my washing machine.

writing

Its been some time since