=(

Why wont the down feeling go away?
Why do I feel like crap all the time?
Argh.
=(

Okay apart from that.

Okay apart from that.
I have a life, although a sad one coz of the underlying happenings.
These two weeks I lead a job. My first time. With 2 A1s
Well I dono I was kinda nervous at first…but not so bad coz this was just the interims.
And my A1s were from SMU.yaye and the gals were pretty fun to hang out with!
Besides they were both double degree students….so they were pretty smart and efficient
So we finished most of work fast and were slacking around. Going to discovery centre and jurong east for lunches and they drive so it made it easier for us to go around the tuas area.
I just hope I was a good leader and a teacher to them.
Well at least I know I thought them stuff that people din teach me…that I had to figure it out on my own.
And I let them hang out with their boyfriends after work at 5:30. Coz I know its pretty hard to concentrate when you are meeting your boyfriend after work…when you are just so excited and keep checking out the phones and the car driving in sound. I know how it feels like. That excited feeling beats nothing else. So I let them go. =)
I think they learnt quite a bit from me and they seemed pretty happy. Today I gave them a card to tell them their good points and how much I appreciated their help =)
Now that they have left …as in to do other jobs. I think I will miss them coz my manager will take me to her job from next week onwards till next june =( . I hate leaving people. Bleah.
So I prolly wont get to work with them anymore but I guess I will see them around in the office. At least.
Now that I am still on the job for the next two days I will do my best to tidy up everything and gave a perfect or near perfect job to the manager.

You know its one of those days

You know its one of those days when you go to bed early cause you don’t wanna think about him and you think you can just sleep it off.
But you wake up in the middle of night feeling a sharp pain. Almost like someone stabbing you. And you wake up and see his face in your mind. Damn
There goes my night as I sit near the kitchen area and weep.
Its funny how I keep crying about a guy who does not bother about me the slightest bit.
I mean if he cld text me a message and not even seeing the need to talk about the matter.
I mean if he cld ignore all my messages and emails.
I mean if he go on all fine when I couldn’t even go to work
I mean if he cld tell me that he couldn’t come any earlier to talk about it coz he had to do his readings, and was taking part in a challenge and hosting.
I mean even though he knew that I loved him like crazy yet keep how his thought about everything to himself.
I mean if he cld just leave me not even seeing the need to keep me as a person in his life….(but I guess its easier to just walk out then to sit and explain to me things and keep me in his life…maybe that’s all that I was worth)
How much could I have meant to him even as a person let alone as someone that he loved once?
I wish to put the painful past behind, to make peace with the past so that my future wont be so painful.
But I don’t know how to do it when its just the bitter painful thoughts and feelings running all over me.
I think its very painful when you go after someone and claim the world but to leave the person without a word especially when the person thinks that you are her world. How about those times when you said we could work out differences? And that will makes us stronger. How come we don’t do that now when I am willing?
Yeah but what I can do about it. Its not as though I can control the situation or change anything.
I wake everyday feeling very down and having that feeling in my heart.
I tell myself everyday that there is nothing I can do about it.
Every day I still go back to doing the same thing.
He says I can look at this whole thing negatively or just remember the good things about it.
But how do I do that?
I tell that to myself everyday yet I still never came out of it.
My stupid heart. When will you learn? Hiaz

I have been thinking and weeping a lot this week. Again. Argh!

I don’t know why.
I cant seem to put the past behind me. Its going to be two months.
I feel a perpetual misery within me. Like I am just moving around with the misery everywhere I go.

Maybe it is cause..i never things on my mind that was so disturbing that I cant live with this.
I still am in shock. I don’t know why I am like this. Really.
I still sit in wonder and cry myself to sleep every day as I rethink the whole thing.

Maybe coz its my first love that I was so emotionally and physically attached to.

Maybe coz it was at the peak point of my love for him. Like when I reached the ultimate stage of love that he left me. When I loved everything about him.

Maybe coz I cant even believe that he left me. Coz he was the one who always accused me of leaving him one day…coz he was the one who said he loved me so much.

Maybe its coz I just believed everything he said. Now to think about it…he was just a 22 year old talking about marriage…what was doing? Why in the world was I taken in by that? But then again I never ever thought like that. I ever even considered that he was saying things he never meant. I thought about so many other things but no this at all.Maybe I should have.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was so nice….that he wld never inflict so much of pain in me.

Maybe its coz I always thought that he was such a people person that I never thought he wld sms me and then disappear from my life and not reply anything or leave me with so much of pain or even not talk about it all along when we could have…all those months. How can a person be allowed to keep everything within himself and just make a sole decision to leave another…although it involves two people…two hearts.

Maybe I coz I held on to every word he said….that I forgot he love I cant hold people to their words.

Maybe its coz initially I was so afraid it wldnt work out that I was so hesitant to get close but eventually I was so taken in by him…so drawn into him...that I never expected to be thrown out just like that. Am I to think that…I was right from the start…maybe gut feeling and instincts do work…..but its too late. I am too hurt to sit and smile to myself that I was right all along.

Maybe its coz though things were not perfect these months…I still felt loved by the things he said and did then I never expected to make a sudden decision like this.
So here I am. Letting each day pass by me. Although I know that there is no point thinking about all these, I still do coz how else do I survive my days? I hope today passes by and I wldnt cry.

misery

okay...one.by.one.everyone.leaving.home
time.to.sleep.
i.hope.everyone.is.okay.


i.cant.deal.with.this.this.anymore.
i.tried.to.find.a.way
all.this.while.
but...

:(

i.wish.he.was.here.today.

i.know.i.am.wishing.for.the.unhappenable.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.left.me.just.like.that.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.went.on.with.events.and.reading.when.i.was.dying.and.crying..
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.never.turned.back.to.look.
i.know.he.was.the.same.person.who.hurt.me.like.hell.
i.guess.if.it.is.over.for.him.means..everything.is.over...and.everything.ends.there.
so.why.wld.he.be.here.

but.i.am.the.one.who.is.living.with.the.hurt
but.i.am.the.one.who.is.living.with.the.hell.

anyways.rest.in.peace.uncle..
i.wish.i.was.in.your.place.
so.very.much.

emotions.

i.never.knew.i.cld.have.emotions.so.tortured.
i.love.him.like.crazy
i.hate.him.for.wat.he.did.to.me...and.for.wat.i.am.going.through.each.day....
why.did.he.have.to.choose.me....
why.cldnt.we.just.be.frens.from.the.start...
or.together.forever..

when.i.am.out..i.pretend.and.we.all.laugh.and.smile..
when.i.go.home..everynite.till.tonite..i.cry...

its.funny...how.i.wld.give.the.world.for.him....like.really...like.anything...
i.will.give.anything.in.the.world.just.to.hear.him
but.yet..i.am.not.allowed.to
i.guess.thats.the.thing.about.love...
it.has.to.be.two.sided...
but.its.damn..painful.to.live.with.the.memories.

memories.fade....they.say..
bt.you.know..i.think.mine.wasnt.infatuation.....mine.wasnt..temporary..
its.very.hard.to.explain.
i.really.saw.perfection.
that.only.happens.when.you.are.in.love.
and.when.i.am.in.love...i.never.let.go
maybe.thats.why.i.am.dying.here.
i.dont.think.the.love.will.fade...i.dont.think.the.pain.will.fade.

how.can.it.be.so.painful?
i.hate.you.
for.leaving.me.like.this.
for.not.knowing.wat.is.happening.
for.hurting.me.like.hell.
how.cld.you.do.everything.that.you.did?
why.dont.you.just.kill.me.instead?
how.long.more.will.i.last.like.this?

yet.i.have.to.bottle.everything.up.and.pretend.damn.

what.the...

and.he.proved.to.be.what.i.was.hoping.he.wldnt.be
wat.a.bloody....i.wldnt.wanna.use.vulgarities...bt.still.a.total.jerk..what.the.hell..man

This past week has been terrible

For some stupid reason I miss him like crazy. I keep having him in dreams when I am sleeping. I keep thinking about him even in the day time so much so that tears start streaming down my cheeks even in public places. Damn.

I really could not take it. So I decided to go to Labrador park on Friday…I don’t know why I did that. Really. Coz that was one of the last places we were hanging out and we took so much of pics there…I could not even bring myself to step on the area where the water was….coz that’s where he was taking pictures. Of me, of a couple who were trying to take pictures, of us. I just stood there and cried. Painful. Now to think I don’t even know if he loved when we went there that time. Maybe in his mind he was already formulating the breakup whereas I was totally crazy about him.

Recently my school teacher caught me crying on my way home in the feeder service. I mean I haven spoken to her for ages neither did I know that she stayed anywhere near tampines. But I always remembered what she told us once. We were about 10 in our science class…where we kids would pair kids in our class as couples and say “he loves her” or “she loves him” and she got angry one day and asked us if we know what is true love? And she said love is “even when a person you love had a an accident and he is totally disfigured and can’t do a single thing….you loving like never before is true love”

I always remembered that. I always used it as a reality check to see if I really love someone. So I cried to her…that my true love is gone and I don’t know why. I told her everything from the time I made stupid mistakes to the time I loved him like crazy and I told her I can’t forget my love. I told her how I cannot look at her person in a few months and tell him/her that I love the person cause my love always takes time to develop. I need to know if I will stay with the person through anything like really. I need time and when I say it I truly mean it with my all my life and will never leave him. And not just say things which does not materialize like what he did. He claimed his love was true. He said so many things. But he left. How can your love be true if you leave a person? Coz I hurt him he says….but I am sorry ..i really dint know I was hurting him that bad..now that I know…I really made sure I din and wanted to give him all my love…but come when he knew that he was hurting me for the past eight months…he just left hurting me forever? How come my mistakes are unforgiveable? Isn’t it human to err and most importantly to realize your mistakes?

I told her I don’t know what went wrong. Is it cause I took too long to fall totally in love? Is it cause my past mistakes are unforgiveable? I don’t know.

And sometimes I really feel down. I can’t help it even my family isn’t perfect. If we don’t go to the temple. I can still hear his snigger …oh you don’t go to temples…..what am I suppose to do…maybe my mum thinks survival is more important than temples. And my dad will never step into a temple…is that my fault? I never said I don’t believe in going to temple. I can only be responsible for what I can control ..I told her…. I only haf myself to offer.

He says it depends on how you look at things…you can think back of the sweet memories. Yeah and be happy that my love is destroyed right. Nice..eh… I guess its way you look at things…for you chasing someone and then leaving someone can be a norm…for you to look back and think of it as memories..but for me it is not. So yeah. For you to leave someone there full of pain who would not even had the pain if not for you…but for me it is not.

I told her I feel very lost and destroyed. And she told me…never to forget the meaning of true love….and it is okay to take time to tell someone you love them because love is a serious thing..if you take time…it prolly means that my love isn’t superficial and not based on appearances but truly for what the person is …and that it okay to make mistakes as long as you realize them and that I can only control things that I can control. She told me I can still love him…to prove my love is true.

She din tell me my definition of love was stupid…she dint tell me there was no such thing as love….she din tell me not to waste my time like everyone else told me. She made me feel better…tiny weeny better.

And she said she is still proud of me as ever. Nearly fifteen years has passed. She said she saw the same innocence. The same purity.

She said god will be on my side and good things will happen.

But I don’t know….i think the world is a screwed up places and the people in it are making it worse off. Even people whom I wholly thought were angels.

recently...i.was.clearing.my.destop...and.i.saw.this.letter..by.him....in.reply.to.the.nonsensical.letter.i.sent.to.him
I, ........y
(1) Agree that ...... is gorgeous, and it makes my day to just talk to her or see her the least bit. Buzz off if she thinks I expect anything. I do not care. She just makes my day.

and.now...he.doesn.want.to.talk.to.me.or.even.see.me...wat.a.joke...
maybe.we.shldnt.trust.guys.who.say.this.kinda.thing...
god.help.me..please

hurt.so.fresh

i.stil.feel.it

him.walking.away.from.me
him.saying.he.doesn.want.to.appear.on.pics..giving.me.reasons.that.never.aligned.with.wat.he.did.in.real.life
him.saying.that.he.wants.to.pick.himself.up
him.texting.me.the.breakup
him.not.even.bothered.abt.how.i.was.
him.just.going.on.with.life.as.though.nothing.happened
me.destroyed.and.broken.
damn

I.have.been.finding.it.real.hard.to.move..
and.its.really.coz.of.you
maybe.if.you.bothered.to.tell.me.things.properly
maybe.if.you.told.me.a.reason...
i.wld.know..
its.easier.to.move.away.from.something.you.understand.than.something.you.dont.at.all.

damnnnn

This about a month since he officially stopped talking to me except for the confrontations….
I know its retarted that I am even acknowledging it

But its hard to live with it you know
Coz I miss it like crazy
Yet I know I can’t have it
And I don’t know why
Maybe I don’t even want it anymore
For the way he treated me …since that call on Saturday night.
So it hurts
You are damn right

I was thinking about love
And I think love is just for the moment kinda thing..i mean I wld never accept it but I think that’s wat everyones doing.
Maybe if I said a few “I love you”s …without making sure I really really loved him till death …things would have been happier…maybe he wld have been happier…
Although I always loved him internally

Maybe if I never bothered about his smoking, his health, his diet, his savings and never wanted the best for him…things would have been happier…maybe he wld have been happier…
Although I always loved him for who he was

Maybe if I never scolded him for wasting money on me…things would have been happier and maybe he wld have been happier
Although I always treasured everything he got for me…even if I din like them….

Cause anyway he was going to leave me one day…cause it was for fun….cause it can end anytime….why did I even bother thinking of his as my hubby and wanting the best for us…for him….i don’t know….


Maybe if ever and ever there is another time…coz I don’t really trust anyone now…but if it ever happens…maybe a few “I love you”s …and not being bothered about how he is is the way its going to be…coz I don’t think anyone wld stay with me forever anyways so why bother about anything…just haf fun at the moment.. If he can leave….anyone can…


And Ash I hate hurting you.
You have been trying to contact me since that day
But I cant answer…I need you to realize wat you did is wrong.
I am not saying he is more important than you.
Try to understand….what you did is wrong
I am in worse state you are in….so don’t worry

Bt I know you cant be evil…you are suppose to be nice.
So I don’t really hate you as a person maybe for wat you did to me
So I hope you are doing fine
But I wish things were different
I wish love wasn’t a trial and error thing
I wish you meant it till the end when you said you loved me
Like when I did …I really really meant it…I wld have stayed with you through anything in the world.i promise.
I wish you didn’t say you love me to find out you dint want me any longer.
Maybe you cld have taken more time to decide if you wanted me before you said you loved me or you could have stayed till the end and worked things out.
I wish we talked about things instead of you keeping them within you.
I hope it wont happen to anyone else.
Maybe its just my thinking
Maybe if I had a few more heartbreaks or break ups I will be okay
But I am like a child, I cant handle this pain
I don’t know what to do

They say I am idealistic and stupid
To them …I will get over these in time to come and find someone better
To me …he was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything, my bestfren, the man I looked up to and respected, the one that I wanted to see happy.
Maybe that’s why I shld let him go …coz he will be happier elsewhere.
Maybe that’s why I shld hide my pain.
I am trying
Still trying

bt i am dying

Tears

Tears streaming i sit in my room as I think
My “dad” just asked me how come I no longer talk on the phone at nights.
I just walked away.

I still cannot understand how he could just walk away.
Maybe he thought it was for his good.
But how could he do that?
How could someone walk in and out of a person’s life?
Because it is for his own good?

Then what about the promises he made and the words he said
Words like
Different people if they work thing out we will stay stronger together
I can fight my parents just need you to say yes and stay with me
I will put in the effort even if you don’t
I never thought I could get you
You need to trust me we will make this work.

Were they words you said out of excitement?
Or words to have fun with me?
Or words that you never meant?

Initially I wanted you to loose weight, dress better, save money, and study harder, stop smoking.
But dude they were all for your good… I never would have left you if you never did those ..although you promised me you will do them.

Why do you walk away when I wanted you for who you are now.


Dude when I trust you why do just walk away?
When I think we can make it work …why do just walk away?
How fair can this be?
What if you build my trust over the years? Whatever for? To break it just like this?
And you say we should have broken up in Jan…is that a reason dude for acting the way you are acting now?
If we were to broken up in jan….what does all the time we shared till recently means? Nothing? You were just waiting to go…weren’t you?

Maybe you have a very valid reason…which you never bothered to tell me..but dude..how fair is it to me?

Well at least you made me realize it is possible and one could hurt someone
You made me realize words doesn mean everything
You made me realize love isn’t forever and one can just walk away
But its damn painful.
Bloody damn painful

"Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close,
when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Yeah, I will love you baby - Always And
I'll be there forever and a day -
Always If you told me to cry for you I could
If you told me to die for you I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you
Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice "