Lonely

I am so lonely.

I have occupied myself so crazily over the months. Almost every other minute with other stuff. So that I wont think about my hurt.

But I dono why do I still go to bed crying everyday and waking up crying every single day.

There are so many people around me but I still feel so lonely.

Lonely in a crowd. That’s almost like an oxy-moron.
Now that my family have gone to india.
Even the crowd at home is gone.
It feels even worse now.
Coz now I don’t have hide my tears.
I can just cry all the time without anyone asking me why.
That’s exactly what I have been doing.
The insides of me feel damn empty and sore.

Why am I such a loser?

Clown.

On another note.
A lot of friends and groups ..i have gotten close to as a result of my lonely-ness have told me that I am so easy to get close to and I make them feel real comfortable when they are new to the group.

A lot of groups have told me that I am such a happy person that I make the groups laugh all the time and I am such a damn fun person to have around in groups.

That just reminds me of a clown. Haha coz they have no idea how I am feeling on the inside.
I guess a clown is like that.

Nobody knows how he is feeling but all they see is the jokes and acts that he does.
But then again I don’t want them to know how I am feeling on the inside.
At least I am making them happy.

Hurt.

Actually I am tired of dealing with my hurt.
I dono what am I suppose to do anymore.
I dono how it was suppose to be.
One month after the parting..i was suppose to be back to my normal self? How come I can’t ?
Then how do I get rid of the hurt?
How come it never went away?
Am I supposed to have buried it within me? Or forgotten about it?
How come I can’t?
Then I try to think why am I hurt?
I guess it’s the whole thing. Like for the first 12 months he showed endless love….then the next eight months when I realized I loved him more than myself I wanted to salvage the situation but I got HURT a lot. Seriously. And then he killed me totally by disappearing.
Like the times he told me “I am happy that I can finally go starry nite”- like I always prevented him from going…..i still remember the moment when he told me the sentence I was in the train at semei . I dono I never told him not to go although I din wanna go ..he could still have gone.
Maybe it was my fault. Coz I always wanted him to be somebody he wasn’t.
Don’t smoke, dun unbutton your shirt, wear nice clothes, loose weight, don’t use vulgarities was all I told him….i mean I just meant it out of goodwill …I never intended to make him into someone he wasn’t in terms of the things that he wanted to do or be. Well I guess I will never do that to anyone now.
Then there were other kinds of hurt....many sentences that he spoke at many instances that always caused a sharp pain in me during the eight months….but I tot that was love…coz at least I was still happy.
Then he woke up ..one fine day and decided that we should part.
That killed me entirely.
And I am still mourning the death of my heart.
Like a body without a soul I am roaming around.
I guess its no longer about being with him anymore. Coz there is really no point wanting to be with a person who does not love you.
I guess its more of the way he left.
And what was to me as a person ..How highly I regarded him. Coz he really meant something to me as a person.
And how he could just walk away from all that and disappear from my life. Just as how he came into my life.
Like how badly disturbed I was when elan walked away from my life….this is worse off.
How could he do that knowing how disturbed I was in the past for having people walked away from my life?
Maybe when you love a person everything matters and when you don’t ..nothing matters? But what abt the basic form of love even though it’s a romantic one….i always to the was nice as a person …..i din think he was nice to me cause of something….
How can walking away make things ANY easier?
Well not for me…maybe for him
If only memories could be erased or I could get around them someway.