cant stop tearing.

argh..

i need to pay attention to work.

god save me. please.

I think things are kinda simple

He says if I loved myself I would choose a stand for myself.

Yeah if I loved myself only I would have left the longest time ago. To be with the dream guy I was telling him about right from the start. I would have never gone through these 2 years. Coz along the way he instilled in me …saying anything can be worked. I never really thought I will believe in it but I do.So why do I have to choose a stand now and love myself more. And now my love is blind? So what was hia back then? Maybe it wasn’t love…that’s why it isn’t blind love. This doesn’t really make sense to me.


What matters here really is the truth

Does he love me?

Did he love me two weeks ago?
If he din then what was Thursday about? It was nothing?
Did he love me two years ago?

Coz if he did.

Then there will be a meaning for all this pain
Then there will be a purpose
Then I will know someday we will be happier even if I suffer today.

Coz I am willing to do anything in the world to solve this.

All it takes is effort.

For the effort to be there, there should be an underlying love.

I just want to know that.

I guess it isn’t there. Else he would have said otherwise in the morning.

I just wanted him to try his very best cause it means so much to me.

I guess those kinda thing only happen in my fairy tale world as they call it. I dono wat I did wrong…maybe

It’s the fact that I like him now…maybe it was juz a game where they only want things they cant get.
It cant be the hurt…coz I am hurt so much more and I still wanan do this coz I believe this is true love.
Maybe coz I seem so bonelessly in love with him.




To be fall out of love with someone is the most hurtful thing for that someone.

But I suppose that’s what life is about.

If everything was perfect then we will never know hurt. I guess its my turn to be hit with hurt. I never thought I will get hurt. I never wanted this in the first place, I never needed the love. So why love me and hurt me now. I guess that’s how it is.

I just hope I’ll never pass this hurt to anyone else

Cause I know how much it hurts. Trust me.

maybe

maybe..he.doesn.need.me.anymore...want.me.anymore...
maybe.i.need.to.go.

but.where.will.i.go.to?
where.will.my.memories.go.to?

all.shattered.and.broken....how.will.i.ever.restore.myself.

i.cant.sleep.now..

i.shall.go.down.and.get.something.

insanity

I.dont.know.why.i.cried.jus.now
Maybe.it.was.his.tone….maybe.it.was.his.anger.
i.know.he.was.kidding.abt.yes.sir.thing….bt…u.know.hiaz

his.anger.scares.me...
i.dono.how.things.can.go.this.extent

i.dono.why.i.keep.coming.back.to.get.thrashed.
coz.of.love?
bt.wat.good.is.the.love?...if.i.cant.say.it.to.him…..if.he.isnt.there.for.me….if.i.have.to.be.afraid.of.him…if.he.doesn.even.love.me

coz.he.loved.me.once?
wat.if.it.was.juz.an.initial.excitement?coz.i.dont.think.anyone.wld.even.treat.their.worst.enemy.like.this….if.it.was.love..where.did.the.love.go?.where.did.the.humanity.go?

everytime.he.yells.at.me.or.treats.me.like.this…i.tell.myself..hes.tired…hes.stressed.out.from.his.camps…at.least.he.still.bothers.to.talk.to.me…the.least.i.shld.do.is.to.be.there.for.him.to.vent.everything…

but.sometimes.i.think.abt.this.and.cry..for.how.long…am.i.gona.be.like.this?....I.tot.love,care.and.concern.was.a.two.way.thing..how.come.i.dont.get.to.talk.to.him.like.everyone.else….be.treated.nicely.like.everyone.else….maybe.coz..there.is.no.love.period.
so.what.am.i.doing.to.myself?

how.come.i.juz.let.him.shout.at.me?treat.me.like.this?....for.how.long.am.i.gonna.hope…the.old.him.will.come.back?...maybe.this.is.the.real.him…..i.dont.know.man…i.dont.know.anything…

i.cldnt.stop.crying….”Dad”.woke.upp.and.saw.me.sitting.near.the.kitchen…and.sobbing.away…I.hate”dad”..for.the.way.he.treats.my.mom…i.hate.it.when.he.asks.me.why.i.am.crying…why.does.he.even.care…i.tell.him.to.go.aaway.and.he.gets.mad.and.yeells.at.me….so.wat.he.think…that.i.sleep.around.and.someone.cheated.me…that’s.why.i.am.crying…..wat.in.the.world….maybe.i.really.shld.do.that..to.show..him…how.is.he.ever.gona.understand.me….when.he.thinks.its.okie.to.do.wat.he.does.to.my.mom….how.is.he.ever.gona.understand.my.pain.

my.frens.are.calling…i.dont.wanna.talk..i.dont.wanna.let.them.hear.me.cry…bt.they.keep.calling.so.i.pick.up,..and.pretend…..they.know.i.have.been.crying….bt.i.say..nothing….they.get.mad.at.me….bt.i.still.wont.say….coz…then.they.mite.do.something…and.it.will.look.like.i.complained….bt.i.never.ever.thought.of.complaining….they.feel.i.am.hiding.things…bt.i.cant.do.anything.abt.it…

in.a.world.full.of.misery..where.i.pretend.to.be.normal.everyday…..what.is.even.the.point.of.living…

I.dont.feel.it...but.i.guess.i.am.not.suppose.to.

Hmmmm
i.am.trying.to.balance.



like.to.get.used.to.
the.way.everything.is.
its.juz.that.i.dont.really.know.wat.it.is.

sometimes.i.feel.cared.for..sometimes.i.dont
sometimes.i.feel.loved...sometimes.i.dont

am.i.even.suppose.to.be.feeling.that.way?
i.dont.know.

if.words.are.expressions.of.it
then.why.isnt.the.rest?

hmm...maybe.i.shldnt.bother.abt.any.of.this
bt.i.dont.want.to.seem.like.i.am.not.putting.in.the.effort...
maybe.it.doesn.even.make.a.difference..that.i.do
maybe.thats.not.even.wanted.

sometimes..i.really.wish.to.see.him.over.the.weekend...like.even.it.is.for.thirty.mins
maybe.i.am.asking.for.too.much
maybe.he.doesn.have.to.coz..there.is.nothing.going.on.

sometimes.u.really.wish.u.know.wat.the.other.person.is.thinking...
it.really.will.make.alot.of.things.simplier.

maybe.
"One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me And your kiss wont make me weak"

bt.i.guess.in.the.world.full.of.maybes...
i.need.to.remain.sane
so.i.am.off.for.the.day
in.the.hope.of.having.all.the.maybes.disappear.

Afraid

Suddenly I feel so afraid
Sometimes I dono if I am doing the right thing
Sometimes I dono wat he is feeling
Most of the times I wanna ask him
But I am afraid of the answer
But for how long can I be afraid?
Temporary happy-ness doesn do much
I shld have known now

How can I ever live without a peaceful mind?

I will ask him
I mean I will try to ask him
In about three weeks time.

The tiring past few days

Thursday

I loved Thursday! Snow city and even that science centre was fun.
I kinda love going out on weekdays haha it makes me feel like a school kid
and I love travelling on the bus with him. For some reason it always make me feel like the good old times =)
And I love the photos we took
I cant stop looking at them! Lucky thing I got it though it was little exy. But memories are always worth it.
By the end of the day I was having a splitting headache but I was too happy to care.
And so I got home took panadol and slept
And he called =)
Though I never got to talk to him much I was happy just to hear him.
I think it was quite obvious coz my sissy woke me up and asked me why I was smiling in my sleep. Heeee

Friday

Friday was MAD. Really.

And my sister is really sweet. She asked me if I wanted the sardine spread and I said yeah I WANT if someone wld make it for me. And guess wat. She actually made it for me. And it was not as though I was working or anything. I was juz standing in front of the mirror for hours!
I was really touched by her =)

As I was going to office the IT guy called me and asked me to collect my new lappy
And when to the IT help desk he asked me for my old lappy to transfer the data to my new lappy and he said it wld take one hour! I had to be at the stat audit place at 10 so I decided to go without my lappy and I came by for lunch with lilian.

And later I was hungry again. Lilian was telling me our manager had cookies if I wanted some. But I told her I don’t want to go ask our manager for cookies and she said ….wait I will go get it for u. and she did. That was so sweet! =)

I went back to the IT helpdesk and they couldn’t transfer the data. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I had to be at another place at 3pm. Eventually by 2:45 they were done and I rushed to the other stat audit place. I got lost in Raffles place and decided to take a cab. The cabby was an Indian guy and he scolded me for being such a direction idiot . argh! Finally he got me to that address. And to find out it that my seniors gave me the WRONG address! How can my seniors make such a mistake!!!!! I manage to find the correct address and I walked to that place it was already 3:40pm and I had very little time to do so much. And stat audit lady wasn’t very nice. Hiaz. I somehow finished everything and carried like 3 bulks of photocopied papers to my office dumped them into my manager’s overnite cabinet and went off to meet my poly frens!

I really love meeting up with them. It makes me feel like 10 years younger all over again. I can’t believe 10 years pass by so fast!

We ate dinner at swensens and Holly ordered the “Mega burger” and it took more than 30 minutes to be made!!!! And the reason being the patty is too thick to be cooked so fast! So we cancelled the order and decided to find the place where cailin was performing. Bingo! We found her and waited for her and after that we went to drink! I was awfully sleepy by then bt still loved every minute of hanging out with them. When I reached home, I was hoping he will be awake still. He wasn’t so I went to bed. I missed him a lot.

Saturday

My sister woke me up and made me follow her and my mom to the john little sale at marina square at 9am! I went with them coz I wanted to spend more time with my family. We got the things my mom wanted and got home in the noon. I was so freaking tired but I had to meet the sinda people for games in the evening. The games were fun!!! I kinda love playing games! =) we went to tekka to eat dinner and after that siva came down saying that he wanted to follow me home. He did just that and when he got here .. he wanted to get some drinks from 7 11 and we sat down for a while talking though I baldy wanted to go home. Soon I started whining. I think sleepy-ness makes me a bad whiner.
I was hoping he will be awake.
He was! =)
But then he din really reply me much. He was prolly sleeping.
I missed him much.

Sunday
I had to go to office to do my work. I was tired already but I still dragged myself there.
And when I got there I started to have terrible cramps. Like real terrible ones
I din know wat to do. I had to finish my work. So I struggled through it
And then I saw his msg on msn. It kinda stung me. I wasn’t accusing him of not talking to me I was juz saying I missed him. The words he said on Monday nite came back to me. I really felt sad. Then I realized I shld not expect anything I shld just accept what I receive. But you know after Thursday’s closeness..Its weird to be so close one day and not so the other days. But yeah I can’t do anything about that I told myself. I should just accept what I get. I shld not speak about my feeling coz I don’t wanna whine or make him upset. Maybe Thursday was just an exception. I told myself not to bother him anymore though I am dying to. I coudnt take the pain anymore. I somehow managed to get home. Took some painkillers I wanted to share with him the pain but I somehow was afraid and just slept for a while. The pain is better now. I woke up for dinner and to do my work stuff. Still doing them now =(
Miss him but yeah I don’t dare call. I will sleep soon if he doesn relpy in a while. I hope hes alrite and everything is going fine for him.

Wats.wrong.with.me:(

Damn.i.feel.like.calling.him..
i.miss.him.badly..and.wanna.hear.him.
i.will.give.anything.in.the.world.to.hear.him
bt.i.am.afraid.that.i.will.make.him.mad
besides.i.cant.reach.him.now


everyones.fighting.at.home...
its.getting.worser..day.by.day
i.hate.this.house...
why.cant.i.have.a.normal.house.with.a.normal.family
why.was.i.born.here.
there.is.no.love.and.noone.even.cares.

when.will.all.the.misery.end?

coz.i.cant.make.you.do.it.

today.my.love.felt.very.humilated.

i.guess.
i.really.wanted.to.solve.all.the.problems..thats.why.i.kept.talking.to.u.abt.them
never.to.drain.you.of.ur.emotions

i.really.missed.you.and.wanted.to.hear.your.voice.
never.to.take.up.your.personal.space.


i.really.tot.it.was.only.rite.a.personal.replies.to.msges.and.msns
never.to.sound.so.whiny.till.u.i.made.u.sigh.all.the.time

i.really.tot.u.will.ever.make.me.cry.and.u.will.be.my.sweetest.and.the.nicest.thing.on.earth
never.tot.your.words.will.hurt.me.this.bad...when.it.smooothed.me.so.good.when.shankar.hurt.me.

despite.all.the.hurt.and.pain...i.always.came.back.to.you
coz...i.loved.every.bit.of.you.and.i.would.have.loved.you.forever.and.ever.much.more.than.myself
now.i.stand.apart.by.the.side.with.eyes.full.of.tears.
coz.i.cant.make.you.love.me.or.respect.me