I cry and I laugh.

for how long? :(

hurt hurts.

back

okie i am back ..prolly coz of the way I feel.

I have every urge to run out to the top floor and jump down. I don't know how else to take my misery away. the feeling of helpless kills. the feeling of sore-ness kills.

why did i have to born in this family? I can't loathe them any much. I went to the counselling session today. I cried for an hour there. pure tears. And I left.

The problem that you can't anyone over the years but it kills you on the inside. bt we smile on the outside.

I had a fren whom I depended on. maybe too much. he used to somehow take that misery away even for that little while. Bt himself finds me irritating...arrogant. maybe it was just pure pain on the inside that made me sound like that. but i dont wish to be a burden to anyone. why shld make someone else suffer for the way I am.

I don't know how everyone stays here. someone take me away. maybe I shld run away. bt to where. I don't know. why wont some natural disaster or something kill me instead?

when you wake up one day and realise they were all lies.

the words
the promises
the actions
the acts
the everything

and you find out this late when it no longer matters to you in the present
bt what if the past matters to me?
what do you do?

Is it coz I trusted too much?

It's utterly disappointing. You were my wonderful little thing.
but yeah its the past.
so now
so maybe perceptions change.
so maybe impressions change.
that's all. no harm to you anyways.

today reality sets in

today i realised how immediately my dsyfunctional fam needs to become functional.

and what i felt all along.
i wldnt want to feel that in an thousand year. ever.

its almost strange how i live in world known to none.
i wish there will be someone someday whom i can trust with everything.

how come life is so unfair. why do i have to have a "Father" like this?
why cant be like a normal kid ever?
where sch, work, parents, and marriage ...are their only concerns?
well i guess i will never get the answer to that...
okay my fren is calling....i need to go back to that mode where everything is all so normal.
i actually hate
Hate doing this.
Today my old fren looked at me and said “I don’t know how anyone can hurt and leave you” …you are so innocent and funny and entertaining.
I just smiled to myself on the inside.
My funny and entertaining is just my cover. It always has been. So that I don’t become sad all the time. In the sad world that I live in. I think this is self damaging . like at some time you don’t know who you are ….or rather suppose to be.

shucks

darn.
this is bad.
the feeling of wanting to do something so badly to help
bt to know that you wont be welcomed
but to still care for the person and yet not being able to do something abt it

is just sucky.

darn. why did things become like this?
so what do i do?
not visit it.
it doesn slove anything
but it will serve less reminders
anyways i can't do anything abt it
when your heart goes all out to it.

but it shouldnt be.
darn. save me.

Connections

A week ago we were out and my closest friend ….suddenly became very quiet. I did not think anything was wrong apart from the fact that she could be tired.
But she had seen an ex whom she has spoken to for a year and she was disturbed.
I can perfectly understand why.

As we spoke about it…we realized things are very strange…suddenly out of nowhere this guy shows interest in you….he does everything for you…..after some time you fall for him so hard….and he becomes your life, your best friend, your everything….and he suddenly decides to exit your life…and all connections are lost…..someone who you once used to know …..is a person you don’t know anymore….a person who you used to be physically close….is a person you don’t even acknowledge on the roads.
And all these becomes normal and part of life?! Wow.

Actually till to date I feel very uneasy about the whole thing.
In my life…there was one person with whom I have cut all ties….four years ago…I haven spoken to him till now….and now recently I have lost another person four months ago. So that makes the two of them.
The first one I was not damn close to begin with but he was very nice to me …. Bt I stopped talking to him coz he used a bad word on me….and I tot what he was doing was not right at all…..the second one affected me so badly that I can’t believe he could actually do what he did…but I know or least I believe as a person he is great... I don’t know how many will fall into that category in future…I somehow hope there won’t be anymore. ..coz its strange that your most distanced frens are still your frens whereas that the one you were damn close to becomes someone you don’t even acknowledge.

My friend is feeling better for now….someday when I see what she saw I know I will feel the same feeling of emptiness…the same feeling of how much of hope you place on someone and how the hope can just walk out of the door in seconds.

Don’t get me wrong …the feeling of empty-ness does not come from missing a person love…its more of missing the person. So I am the last person to fall for someone so fast again or even look for love….coz when these kinda things happen to me …I question love …I question the temporary-ness of it .

So I hope you guys are not mad at me…I really can’t look at you all in that light at the moment….as much as you all tell me I would feel better if I accept your love…and have someone there….but I really don’t want to do that….coz knowing me…I cant just look at you and love..i need time to love anyone…months…even years maybe….no matter who you are…coz I need to make sure that I love you like I will never leave you no matter what….. I would never want to go to you and say …I have fallen out of love with you…or to say I don’t think I love you…..I think that is a very cruel thing to say especially after I have lead you guys to it and you guys have put in so much of emotional effort... that’s the way I work. So really at the moment….all I want to do is to ..let go of the pain….look at the other things in life….gain back the believe in love….though I think that will take a long time….the temporary-ness of love and how the emphasis in today’s world is about falling in love and not staying love upsets me quite a bit. =(